NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

December 28, 2001

I cannot stand A. We have been bickering all night and there was a time when it could have gotten better.
I asked A to pick up his stuff and he went on about how I sat at home all day and I should have. This is a person who rarely picks up my stuff. So I got pissed. He started telling me I have to be a real woman. So I told him to be a real man. He was bashing me verbally for not cleaning and I told him that it's just not me. He expects me to do everything and maybe sometimes he'll do something. Nope. For one, I don't feel he deserves that and two, if I was a homemaker, maybe. But I'm not. So, he's stupid. I told him I hate him and I screamed and said f*** you a lot. I slammed doors and left.
Before I walked out he's all, "You need to clean when you get home!"
A parting attack. I f***ing hate him so much sometimes. Sleeping with the enemy. This is such crap.
We can't go two weeks between counseling visits anymore.

December 12, 2001

Dear Baby,

If I could have saved all of the tears I shed over you, they would be enough to fill the sea. My heart aches to love you and my arms ache to hold you. I hold dolls imagining that you'd be that size if you were alive. I know you can't read these because God doesn't let any sadness into heaven, but I know you know I love you. I definitely am sad. I definitely am heart broken. I wish I was at home with you right now. I wish I was allowed to be in the special club that only mothers are in. I wish that when Gerber sent me things I wouldn't be sad. I wish you would have been able to feel me love you. When I think about all the "firsts" you'll never have, I'll never have, that's what saddens me the most. Sometimes I physically hurt for want of you. I love you my precious baby.


December 2, 2001

It's almost Christmas. I was looking at a baby boy outfit the other day at work and I held it as if I was holding a baby and it made me pretty sad. Every time I get near my time of the month I hold my breath in case I'm pregnant. But that is silly because we do not have insurance.
My whole being wants a child. My empty womb aches for a new life to grow within its safe walls.
I am tired a lot and I pretend it's because I'm pregnant, ignoring the fact that I don't get much sleep.
A and I are getting counseling together a week from today.
I wish I was buying a beautiful Christmas outfit for my child instead of mourning a death. I wish I was worrying about stretch marks instead of having a flat stomach. I wish I was cooking for my family instead of for A & I.
I'm at work so I can't cry. But if I was at home, I would.
I think I'll write a letter to my little baby.

Dear Baby,
Thanksgiving was lonely without you. I never thought I would hurt for you so much. I think about you and what you could have looked like and I get sad. I wanted to see your beautiful eyes twinkle with laughter.
I love you, baby. Say hi to Jesus for me.

November 8, 2001

I told A I want to be his roommate. He doesn't touch me or have sex with me. I L O A T H E him and he is such trash to me right now. He is so lame. I just spent an hour fighting with him. He is so flipping self-centered and he is not making any moves to change.
It pisses me off to the point of saying, "I'm out! I'm done!" Screw you and this 3 year waste of time. I regret the day I met you. All that is going for him is his looks. But once you see the inside, his looks are repulsive. Sometimes he's nice but 97% of the time he's not.
I say it like every 2 days, but if I would have known, I'd have stayed single.

November 7, 2001

So this morning I was sleeping and I think A said, "Sorry for last night." or something. I didn't say anything because, #1, I was asleep and #2, it's crap to me.
Lulu wrote me the sweetest thing ever. I'll write it in here sometime.

November 6, 2001

Today was the day my baby was due.
I'm semi-drunk right now because I wanted to not think about it at all.
So A got home after I drank 3 Zima's and I thought he wanted sex but he rejected me. Married life is great. Everyone should be married. That is heavy sarcasm, by the way.
So it sucks right now and he's staring at me while I write this. Fuck this. I am so sick of his crap. I wish I was breaking up with a boyfriend instead of dealing with a marriage. And he doesn't even know.
He didn't even say, "Oh, our baby was supposed to be born, I was going to be a dad today," until I brought it up a minute ago. He never would have talked about it. He is a selfish asshole. At least Pierre [my dog] is here.
Actions speak louder than words. That's what I told him. I called him a selfish little ass. Which he is. He is such an asshole. I cannot stand him.
What a sobering experience. My baby was supposed to be born today and it is dead. DEAD.
Everyone around me except Lulu is pregnant or has kids.
A is glad I think because a kid would be such a cramp in his style. Such a selfish boy. I hope I don't give my kids everything like his mom did. I would never want to raise such an asshole. I told him he's more concerned with the freaking people at the [tennis] courts than he is with his own wife.
It's so true.
I cried all morning. But did he ever know? Nope. He didn't care enough to ask. He only cares about his day and his pain. Or whatever. It's such a waste of time for me.
This is one battle I'll have to face on my own.
I'm so sad right now. All day except for the morning I pretended it was just another day. Just Tuesday, November 6, 2001, a normal day. Nothing to think about.
But I wanted to be a mother so bad. I don't know if A will ever be ready for a child now. He is so careful and I want him not to be because I want to get pregnant.
I do want to travel and everything but I would joyfully give it all up for a son or daughter.
I hung out with [pregnant friend] last week and she was telling me how she's pregnant, her sister is, and her sister's best friend is. I was crumbling inside. And she wanted me to see all of her baby stuff, which was a bassinet and clothes and diapers and I almost died inside. It hurt so bad.
I am so isolated because everyone I know thinks I should be over it probably. And I don't know how long it'll be until I can have another baby. Even right now, I'm on the floor of our bedroom crying silently. A is such an asshole.

October 7, 2001

Lulu and I went to San Diego Friday night and stayed until Saturday night. It was so fun.
We got in around 10:30 and then talked with AV and eventually Brett and [his friend] came over and we all stayed up until 3:30 or 4 talking. It was so nice to have a male conversation. One with people who respect and love me. It was great. Then we woke up at 7:30am and went to Starbucks with AV because Saturday was her birthday. We planned on going to Ikea and going home, but we decided to stay and go to AV's party. So we went to Ikea, went back to AV's, napped and got ready and went to her party.
She had a HUGE Sweet 16 party and we got to hang out with Brett [and his friends] a bit. They had a huge astro jump and it was great! Everything was so fun.
We left at 8-something and got home at 2:30am because we got stuck in traffic for an hour.
Although we only stayed for a day it was so fun. And so worth it. Going on this trip showed me how stupid I was to get married so young and also, how much I love San Diego and people in San Diego.
Lulu and I want to move there. That would be fun.
It was just so freeing to get away from A and our fighting every single day. I am only 20, I need to act my age. I don't want a 30 year old's life yet, you know?
I need to go to sleep, but one more thing.
Before, I always imagine and speak of A and I as a package, but at this moment in time, no. I am one. He is one. Sad but true.

September 18, 2001

We're on a cruise right now. It's fun. Today is Tuesday, 1 week from the attacks. It still depresses me. I can't understand it.
We went to Ensenada, Mexico today. It was fun. I am PMSing hardcore though and can't stand A most of the time.
The ship is bumpy, it's kind of like an airplane.

September 11, 2001

[I am not going to be posting anything about September 11th here. It was too much and too painful.]

September 7, 2001

A's birthday was good. But I am so tired & he asked me to fold his birthday clothes and I sighed loud because I was relaxing with a book. He got mad and we got into a fight. He was saying how the house is a mess and how I should just ask for help and all that makes me feel is inadequate. So what if I work 40 hours a week? I should be able to clean my house. And cooking? Let's not go there. I'm sort of down.

September 6, 2001

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been on and off depressed lately. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel I'm doing anyone any good, like I said before.
Today is A's 25th birthday. Not much is happening.
I need to deal with my low self esteem problem that started in 7th grade. I was telling my co-worker about it today and I felt like crying because I can still vividly feel how I felt back then. Every time I'm around [name omitted] I feel inferior. I know I'm allowing it to happen.

[more counseling questions]

Hiding from myself
I do because that's scary to me to think that the woman who comes out when I'm mad or sad is me. So I try not to think so much. Which is so impossible. I can't help but think. Then thinking makes me sad and if I'm around others, that's when I reach into my fake pouch and pull out a happy face.

Why are you always the "rock"?
I am a rock because I allow others to use me to lean on. And I don't mind it most of the time. It's when I'm the one who needs to lean that I get frustrated. Which is my fault because I don't think that anyone I know is where I am to understand my problems. I would like for someone to listen without trying to fix me and maybe simply say, "I'll pray for you" and leave it at that. I'm usually not out looking for answers. Because that requires focusing on everything which I truly do not enjoy.

September 2, 2001

I feel like I'm beyond counseling.
I am crying and I don't know why. I really don't. I just know that I am so blue for some reason. I am never this emotional on my period. I have no idea what is wrong.
What in my life is making a difference [to the world]? Nothing that's what.
I am feeling so lonely at the moment. I read my Bible yesterday and today but I guess I have to do that for a long time to feel a change.
It seems that the past few days have been all about trying not to cry and trying not to vomit. I felt semi-nauseous today. I hope I'm not getting sick.

August 31, 2001

I am sort of depressed. I feel so blah. I'm almost 21, uneducated, married and working at a retail store. Okay, what is my purpose? So I'm sort of sad. And A is in a dumb mood where everything I say seems to irritate him. He doesn't want to work it out unless I initiate it. I won't. Well, actually I probably will because almost every single time I do.
I'm so glad I see [counselor] this weekend. I feel wistful for something unknown. Happiness and a strong purpose for me being here.

August 29, 2001

I bought a pin today that is an angel with the November birthstone because that was when my baby was due.
I felt dumb after I bought it because I don't know why I did.
It didn't make me feel better or anything.

August 18, 2001

A told me to get a career. He seems to think wanting to be a mother isn't very important. He's all, "What if it doesn't happen for a couple years?" That is so awful to even ponder. No kids for a couple of years? Getting a career seems like the kiss of death. It's so final sounding and so binding.
Career = a long time
A long time = no kids
No kids = horrible
I want a baby so bad. I would give up everything to have a baby. He does not understand. At all. Why didn't we thoroughly discuss this before we got married? I wouldn't have married him. I'm so sick of all this heartache. Each time my wound is starting to make a step toward healing, it is ripped open again by angry & careless words.
I cannot stand him sometimes.

Well we talked or whatever and let me tell you the things which are bothering me.
1. I thought I'm good with kids so I need to be a mom
2. I'm not really good at anything else

August 11, 2001

[some of these entries are from the journal my counselor at the time told me to keep. She'd make me answer certain questions, this being one of them.]

Why can't I be transparent?
Because I don't like people to know my problems. I like being "happy". If everyone knows your problems then you can't be happy. Because you then have to think about your problems and you can't focus on the plastic things in life. Like weather and music and just plain fun.
I really hate to dwell on my problems. Really. I like to think about them and be sad, but then push them out of my mind. Up until my miscarriage it was working rather well for me.
I don't know anyone who is normal enough to help me (besides my counselor, which is why I'm going to her). All of the people I'm around have so many problems they focus on and I don't think that I need to be giving them mine.
I help them.
If I ever found anyone who could help me, that'd be great, but I don't know who it could be.

I don't like to let people see me cry, except when it involved God, because I guess I feel dramatic. Like when my grandpa was sick, I didn't care who saw me cry. But I won't be like, "Ahhh my miscarriage was four months ago" with tears running down my face. It's just not me.

Pregnant Women
As far as bad feelings toward other pregnant women go, yes. I realize that sometimes I do feel not nice things toward them. Like during praise & worship and I see them praising God with all their hearts. I think, "Yeah, it's easy for you to do that, you have a baby." Almost immediately the other part of me is like, "Oh, but they tried to get pregnant for so long, Sarah." Then I back off. But that is my usual reaction.
And [a woman at church]. She's so flipping happy I can't stand to be around her mostly. It grinds on my nerves. I don't feel friendly to her anymore. She is borderline obnoxious to me.
All of this would change if I was pregnant, but hey, I'm not, so whatever.

So...that's the truth in a nutshell.
I just wonder what people think. Do they realize it's hard for me to pal around with the preggos? Or to see ultrasounds? Or to hear about the baby kicking? And then there's [another woman at church] who acts like it's not the happiest time in her life, which I know it is. But maybe she's just doing that for my benefit. Who knows? All I know is that I sound like a bitter old woman. Dang it.

August 10, 2001

Well, [one of 9 pregnant girls at church] had her baby.
I can't shake this hold of sadness in my heart. I want so bad to be a mom. I want to gaze into my child's eyes. I want to go to the park and play, I want to plan birthday parties. I want to breastfeed. I want cuddle.
I don't know how this is going to be. So many more births to go through. But not my child's. Mine was born into heaven. I really think that was my one change to get pregnant.
Now A is always careful. Like clockwork my period comes. I wish it would have been [name omitted]. I wish her baby that she killed would be in my belly and mine that died would have died in her. Is that mean?
I am genuinely happy for [girl who had a baby]. I'm just wistful that I'm not the one who just had a baby.
A and I can't talk. It's been strained all day. I don't know what to say. So I don't say much. Except to snap at him. I don't know why.

August 1, 2001

On our way home I asked A if he loved me. He said yes and asked why and I said it's hard for me to really believe that and even with friends it's hard to think wow they really want to be my friend. And he was talking about faith and I said it had nothing to do with it and I know God loves me.
He tries to fix things and preach all at the same time. So we both got upset and now I feel like screaming or hitting things. I don't know why it turned into this. It shouldn't have. It's f-ing ridiculous. Anger management in this house is non-existent. I am so tired and so PMSey and so stressed out. He can make me soo happy and soooo pissed. He acts like he is 12 a lot then he switches to being a sour old man. It's so lame. I'm sure I do that too but it's so annoying to me.
Why can't we have a family that is fun and happy? Maybe once every other month we fight, that's it. Ha! Maybe like once every other second we fight. It's a good thing I love to write or this would all be inside of me still. And then I'd explode.
I cussed.
I said the F word 4 times.
I hate that that happens when I'm so over the edge. I feel so dirty and so stupid. Like I fell into Satan's trap again.
Now he's in the same room as me in the same bed. I bet anything he'll say something in a few moments. So what? He got his time to be pissed. I do too. I'm telling you. Married life is not all it's cracked up to be.

July 8, 2001

I love A so much. He is so godly.
Everything in his life revolves around God. He's in the other room singing and playing guitar and it's so amazing the talent God has given him. I guess I could be a good singer if I put myself out there and tried.
I must seem so different than on the previous pages. I know God is real and I know He loves me and created me for a purpose. I'm not a mistake and I'm not a failure. I don't know my gifts yet but God doesn't make mistakes. He is cool.
I talked to several pregnant women today at church and I didn't have any sadness or bitterness. I am very happy for each one. What a blessing! I would not mind having a kid right now. What if I'm not emotionally whole? Can I still have a kid? I have mixed feelings. On one hand I would love to be a mom, but on the other hand I'm scared about a lot of things. It doesn't really matter because I'm not a mom yet.
A told his mom not to write those notes any more nicely and I guess it turned out good because they ended lovingly. Yay because I do love her a lot. She is so generous and loving. There is not one thing she wouldn't do for her family.
I was just thinking. I don't think the problem is with my marriage. I think it's with me and my relationship with the Lord.

[note from present-day Sarah. I am sickened to read that last paragraph. Isn't abuse just like that? It makes you think that YOU are the one with the problem and everything is YOUR fault. Ugh. I knew that I thought that way but I never realized I had it written down.]

July 7, 2001

A's mom left a note in our kitchen reminding me of what household things needed to be done.
I feel so useless as a wife. Nothing I do is wifely. So she has to write these stupid little notes. I feel so inadequate. So A's standing here talking to me and I'm not really listening. I was just telling him how he's good at all of this stuff and I'm not. So now he's telling me about how he's been set free and I'm in bondage.
Right now I feel like giving up. I have no hope. He says I'm soo negative. It's very true. I guess I'm not ready for marriage. Too late now, huh? This is so overwhelming. I wish he'd stop talking because all of this feels like bricks on my chest.
How many times have I been at the alter and given this crap to God? A million. Nothing has happened.
He's saying I don't forgive myself. If I make a mistake I give up. So true. I hate failing, yet that is my whole life. I am 20 years old, married, no college, no job, nothing going for me. I hate this. I don't like dealing with this stuff. I don't even know how to deal with anything. I want to be so talented like everyone else in my family. I am not good at anything.
I'm so tired. I don't like talking. I am hearing all these things that I know and I don't feel like it's doing me any good.
It's so late. Why can't I just have one tiny problem instead of 50 million huge ones? This is so crazy because I always thought I was okay. But obviously I'm very screwed up. I wish I was normal. But what is normal? There's so much more I could write, the weight on my heart is huge but sleep is more important to me right now.

June 30, 2001

Wow. I feel like no one cares if I'm home or not. A was not too thrilled to see me. I should have stayed in San Diego for another week. There's nothing here for me. Not one thing. I want to smoke. That sucks. I don't know what to do with myself.
A left really early for church I think. He so does not love me. It sucked because I was telling him about [friend's band] and it was obvious he didn't give a crap and so I said, "Hey! Don't care!" and he's like, "Not really." and that SUCKED. I haven't seen him for a week and I'm excited about this band and he doesn't f-ing care. What the heck? So later I told him I was disappointed because of that and because I thought things were going to be different and they're exactly the same.
If he was my boyfriend he'd be SO out of my life. Why do I need this? Why do I need to feel in the way and unwanted? I DON'T!! I told him it's hard to spend a week with people who care what you say and then come home to someone who doesn't. I want friends who aren't married. Everyone married acts to old and stupid. I'm glad I have Lulu.
Gosh dangit everything sucks to me right now. I can't live my life in this marriage how it is. I wish A was 22 and normal. Light-hearted and funny. He's serious and boring.
Hanging out with Brett and [friend] and Ali, we laughed a lot. I can't remember a time when A and I have had a conversation that didn't lead up to an argument. Nothing was ever funny. It's so flipping serious. I HATE being serious ALL OF THE TIME. And I'm so not exaggerating. I don't even think A has the kind of fun I'm talking about with his friends. He doesn't really have any friends. He likes to be a loner. Then why'd he get married? That's a very good question. I think that it was a blind rush. How sad, huh? I don't even want to care anymore. If neither of us care then we can't get hurt and we won't fight any more.
I cannot believe this is my life. I am now glad I'm not pregnant. All of this would be harder to handle if I was. This is going to be the father of my children? This is going to be the marriage they are raised with? I don't think so. I don't know where God is in all of this. We both have asked for His help but not a damn thing has changed. Not one.
I wonder how I've lived in this marriage thus far. I'm probably used to it. No. I don't want to be. I feel like doing something right now but I don't know what. There's nowhere for me to go.

June 29, 2001

[in san diego visiting family]

I'm going home tomorrow so I'm excited to see A. I have a counseling appointment next week but I haven't been doing my journaling. I don't feel like thinking about my miscarriage. Maybe when I'm in a sad mood some time.
Ali and I hung out with Brett and [friend] last night. It was fun. I'm glad that there is nothing remaining with Brett & I. Just the friendship that has always been.
I want to move to San Diego. I think A and I both need to be away from our parents and probably everyone so we just have each other. Then maybe we'll become the "best friends" married couples always talk about.
I hope A misses me. I talk to him almost every day but I think he rather enjoys this time apart from me. A lot. Which makes me sad, but I understand because I can be such a flipping monster sometimes.

June 20, 2001

I saw BJ! We met at Starbucks at 8 and talked until 10! It was really good to see and talk to him. I was able to apologize to him and he said it's okay.
I miss him in a non-romantic way. He's fun. He told me he was the happiest when he was with me. He said he loves his current girlfriend to death but he's not as happy with her as he was with me. I told him things would probably be different if I wouldn't have been 16. He said we were young and stupid and I agreed. So.
I told him to keep in touch, call me sometime and let me know what's up. He said he would. He's glad we're friends at least. I've known him for almost 6 years. Crazy, huh? He's different but the same. But it was a really really cool time and I'm stoked A let me and encouraged me to go.

May 28, 2001

Sunday I swam at Lulu's and spent the night. We saw [her ex-boyfriend] and he looks like crap. He still does drugs and parties. :( It's so sad because all he needs is Jesus.
And we talked to P on the phone for a long time. Today we went to [his work] and saw him! He wears a suit and it's really cute! We had not seen him for 1.5 years. Sad, huh? But it was great to see him alive and well.
We drove to A's work to say hi.
We stayed up until 4 and woke up at 9 so I am exhausted!
Lulu told me I'm mean to A. Sad but true. I don't want to be, I didn't mean to be.

May 25, 2001

We are camping!
I did NOT want to go because we fight too much and A guilted me in to going and now it sucks because he is a dickhead.
Oh! I talked to P today!!!! I had been trying to find him and I remembered I had his number at my mom's so I left a message and he called! I miss him. He was one of the coolest people I have ever been friends with. So, hopefully I can see him again soon!
Why does A have to raise his voice every five seconds? It is very dumb.

May 22, 2001

I have such a longing to see BJ. To talk to him and see if he's okay. I don't know. I hope I can soon. He's so nice and so loving. He is lost and needs Jesus. I hope I can see him in heaven. Gosh, why am I thinking about BJ? It's not in a "oooh I want you" way, it's just a nostalgic "aw how sad" way. I guess I was mean, I don't know. I am always mean to boys though. I used to be, that is. Now I get hardly any male contact which is good, it keeps me out of trouble. Gosh I'm so tired.
You know what I just realized? I'm afraid I'll never be love like that again. That if A loses me he'll never grieve for years. Because he does not have the same devotion to me that BJ did. He doesn't love me as much. But there's one difference, he gets to have sex with me. I'm awful, huh? Lord, give me strength to stay here with A.
You know what? Nevermind. I am being so awful and dreamy about the past.
I just want to let him know it was hard for me to break up with him. That he meant something to me.

May 13, 2001

Mother's Day

We only stayed long enough at church to sing on the worship team then we went to my parent's house and BBQ'd and stuff.
I cried right before I left church. All the time I was pregnant I eagerly anticipated Mother's Day. It was to be a milestone. My first day to officially celebrate motherhood. But instead I was only mourning a death.
I'm at a park right now waiting for A to finish playing tennis.
The sun is just about down so they turned the lights on. The weather is perfect. It's between 75 and 80. I love this and I can imagine Hawaii. It is SO beautiful there. I miss it. Isn't it silly for me to miss somewhere I spent 5 days in? Silly or not I do! I long for it even.
This weekend we're going camping. Although we're getting away and that's great, it's not where I want to go. I want to go somewhere tropical. I must go back to Oahu some day.
I am so ugly to be around lately. It's just that everything fell apart and I don't exactly know how I should act or what I should be doing.
I keep thinking our baby was a girl. Maybe I should name her Chloe. I know this might sound lame, but I kind don't want to name it because I might want to use that name in the future.

A said he's almost done for the night. I wish he would resolve in his head to only play [tennis] recreationally and let go of his pro dream. Then maybe he can look for a job that pays well and we can get a house. I only have 1 week and 2 days left of work! Okay he's not done. I'm going to go sleep in the car.
It's now 8:13pm and he's going to play more. He told me to be back at 8. This is so how I wanted to spend my night.

I really don't see how this is ever going to last. I mostly cannot stand him. And it's me I know but everything he does either irritates me or makes me mad. Now he's grocery shopping. I want to leave and walk home but I'm scared of being kidnapped or something. I feel so claustrophobic in this marriage sometimes. I'm so tired. He thinks so low of me. He doesn't say that but I know it. Because I'm not adventurous or whatever he thinks he is. I think I have stopped trying to impress him. I'm going to go in the stupid store and find him.

May 12, 2001

Well it's the one monthiversary of my miscarriage. I got my period. I'm so blah right now. Anything I could be sad about I am.
My little baby. Praising God in heaven. I hope he/she can't see me because I wouldn't want him/her to be sad. There are no tears in heaven.
I don't really want to go to church tomorrow because it's Mother's Day and it was supposed to be my first. And all the other pregnant girls are going to be beaming and rubbing their pregnant bellies. I just don't really want to deal with it.
It is raining right now, perfect for my mood.
I can't believe I thought my pain was gone and done with. The truth is far from it. I am so sad. I don't focus on it because I don't want to be depressed all of the time. But it's times like these when I feel so small and so helpless. Like if I'm not going to be a mom right now, then what is the point of me being here? Why am I where I am? What does God want me to do? I am young and married. Not even happily married. Just married.
A doesn't know I'm crying. I can't express my emotions to anyone because they don't understand.

May 7, 2001

Well. Last night I realized that my pain from miscarrying is not gone. I found out that [name omitted] is pregnant, due about the same time I was. That really bummed me out. I'm so happy for her, but at the same time I guess I'm wistful.
Sunday afternoon I played in the pool with [niece and nephews] and it was SO fun. I just want kids so bad. A says we can try again, but I don't exactly know what that means. I'm too scared to ask.

May 5, 2001

Our hospital bill is $7000-something and the anesthesiologist was $390 and I haven't even received the doctor's bill. Man oh man.

April 19, 2001

Hello. I am so much better, praise God!
I just had a twinge of sadness passing the baby's bassinet, but it's gone.
I am 20. I did want that baby but God took him/her home sooner than I would have liked. And that's okay because heaven is better anyway.
But I am really praying I don't have to go through this ever again.
3 more weeks until we can have sex. 7 weeks until we can start trying again.
Lord, please let me get pregnant this June or July so we could have a baby by April 2002.
If we have a daughter ever, I was thinking of Chloe Belle or Chloe Annabelle. Cute, huh? Belle means beautiful. God's beautiful child!
Please, Lord. But it's Your will that needs to be done, not mine. I love you and thank you for this happening because I know it'll teach me something. And some good will come out of it. I know that next time I get pregnant I will cherish it even more. I'll try not to complain about anything.

April 15, 2001

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor. I've been crying.
Church was okay, but tonight about 45 minutes ago I began to think of how this is was my first child. What if it was a girl? The only girl I'll have? What if I miscarry a lot?
I don't think A understands that I had to have our child's body scraped out of me.
Everything I did was for the baby; the activities I did, the food I ate.
Tonight I ate salad and I was sad because the reason I began eating salad was the baby. But now, there's nothing to nourish.
I am so incredibly sad. I didn't know I could hurt so much. I never imagined all of this pain and confusion and loneliness. I am so alone.
Poor A. Before I came in here to the bathroom, I was on our bed crying and he didn't know what to do or say so he was just tickling my back. It was sweet but unfulfilling. 
I have yet to talk to someone who understands this. I joined a Christian miscarriage support group online so maybe that'll be good.
Why is that so difficult? God, please let this be the only miscarriage I have.
I really want to have a baby. I want my baby who is in heaven right now. I was thinking earlier and I know that the best place for my baby is in heaven, but I would've made it good down here.
I still keep hoping it's a dream. But it's not. It's a living nightmare.
A just made me some tea.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to the Christian book store to find books about dealing with this and then I'll go to the library to see if I can check them out so I don't have to spend money.
If my baby somehow has access to read this, I hope it knows how much I love it.
All I ever wanted was a child.

April 14, 2001

It  hurts really bad to pee.
Lulu hung out with me all day and night. [name omitted] came over too. It was good to laugh.
I am justified in feeling so sad because I lost a child. Not a pregnancy, a child.
I don't know how to grieve. Journaling is good, but I don't know if it will help. I know, only God can help, but I am not yet to the point of giving it to Him. I don't know why, I'm just not.
Day by day it will get better.

April 13, 2001

[these pages are tear-stained]

I woke up this morning and started crying. This happened so suddenly. I felt my underwear because I wanted it to all be a nightmare. It wasn't. I still had my hospital underwear and pad on. So. Life will go on, I know, but I'm scared I won't get pregnant again and I'm sad I can't celebrate Mother's Day and I'm sad I won't be having a baby around November 6th. I'm sad this happened to me. 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so I was the one chosen because there are like 8 other girls at church pregnant. I am the unlucky one.
I had a feeling the whole time. Just a small feeling, but one all the same. We are the ones who lost. Everyone else gets their perfect life and perfect baby and their dream world and I get...A MISCARRIAGE? Why? I do not understand it at all. God's ways are definitely not my ways. I would let the 15  year olds miscarry and the married ones have a baby. I am trying to not be angry but it's so hard. Now my future looks bleak. My horizon is dark. I'm so tired.

Crying again. What a horrible thing this is. At least our baby is in heaven so we can see it someday. This was all I've ever wanted and now it's over. I have to remind myself not to pat my belly because it's empty.
People say, "You're young" and stuff like "You're fertile, you can get pregnant again," but they don't understand that I want the baby that was taken from me. I want to be pregnant now.
2 days ago I was pregnant, now I'm not.
Why is it that we were so excited to have this baby and it got taken away but [names omitted] don't even want their baby and they're going to choose for it to die? It makes no sense and seems so unfair.
Am I being punished for not reading my Bible that much? I get to quit my job but it's not that exciting because I won't have a baby inside of me.
The church sent me flowers which was nice. I cannot even imagine why God would allow this to happen. On one hand I say God will make good out of this, but on the other hand I say why couldn't God make good come out of my baby? This was such a wanted and already loved baby. I know life's not fair but this is NOT fair AT ALL.
I don't want someone to sympathize with me or tell me their experiences, I just want this all to not be happening.
No more baby clothes shopping, no more fondly gazing at maternity clothes. No more anything.
I want to try in a couple months but I don't know if we'll get pregnant right away or if I'll miscarry again. What if it takes me years to get pregnant?
We won't have a new family member at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.
I feel so lonely. Even when A was gone before, I wasn't alone because I had a baby growing inside of me. Now it's just me. This is the first person I've known that has died. Even though I never held him/her, it's still a death.
I should've known it was too good to be true. Good things generally don't come easily to me. For a few short months I was a mother.
Now I'm not.
I can never forget this horrible thing.

I try to put it out of my mind, playing video games and listening to Christian rap [??], but then a thought passes through my mind.
Why couldn't I be doing all of this PREGNANT?
I loved being pregnant for that short time.
Today is good Friday. Jesus died today. Rose on Sunday.
I asked God to protect my womb but my baby still died.
WHY?I LOVED that baby. It's safe and much happier in heaven, but I'm selfish and wanted it to be here with me. I miss my baby.
Isn't it weird how attached you can get to someone you never touched? But I guess it's not totally weird because it was a part of me. A is a little sad I think but not really. He's more concerned with me I guess. It's hard not being able to share this with him. Once again, it's just you and me, journal.

April 12, 2001 (part II)

I went to the doctor and at first she said my cervix is still closed, a good sign. Then I had an ultrasound and we found that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing 2 weeks ago. By that time I was in immense pain. I had the option to let the tissue pass naturally which would cause more pain, or get a D&C that would suck out all the tissue and I wouldn't have any more pain. I opted for that because I was so miserable. It was scheduled for 5, but I was doubled up on the floor in pain so the doctor told me to go straight there. So we did and they let me into a bed right away and gave me an IV and took blood and everything. Then after tons of pain they gave me Demerol. It worked. My parents and bro came down and of course A was by my side the whole time and several other people came by.
They put me to sleep somehow and I was in the recovery room and I thought it hadn't been done yet. But it was. So. No more baby. I am terribly saddened by this, but I haven't really let it show yet. I've been light and surfacey. I do not understand why so many unmarried girls in our church and in the world have healthy, unwanted babies and we, a married couple, had to have a miscarriage. God has it in His hands but it doesn't make sense. I was 10 weeks pregnant. Man.
My dreams were shattered today.

April 12, 2001

Well, I was going to say I'm still hopeful because the bleeding wasn't bad, but I've had constant back cramps and more blood. But I have a teeny amount of hope because the cramps aren't in my abdomen, just back ones. In the toilet right now where I'm sitting is a clot. There was one earlier the same size. I'm not crying because I'm still hopeful. but I've been awake since 6-something because of my cramps.
This is horrible.
I'd like to take a bath to relieve the pain but I'd bleed too much. I took the day off work so I can go to the doctor. My poor baby. I don't want pitying stares and similar stories. I want this baby. I want to have this baby that's in my womb (was in my womb?). How sad this is. And yet, I had a feeling it would happen. Why? I don't know. I do know that if in fact my baby is dead, God will make good come out of it. I hope this is something else though. This is God's child and whatever He sees fit will happen. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.
--a few seconds later--
Okay now I'm crying. There are too many clots and bright red

[entry was unfinished]

April 11, 2001

I'm in bed now. Why? Because we were at Bible study tonight and I went to the bathroom and there was blood on my underwear. We left right away and went to my parent's house and my mom gave me a pad and then we called my aunt because she has miscarried before and she gave advice and a nurse who is our friend called. My dad came home and they anointed my tummy with oil and my parents and A and I prayed for the baby. I'll write more tomorrow.

March 31, 2001

I shouldn't be up this late but I get to sleep in in the morning, so it's okay! I'm eight weeks and 4 days! I had my first doctor appointment on Wednesday. She's nice and next month I get to heart the heartbeat! My uterus is the size it should be for how far along I am. I am so very excited! Kai is a cute boy name, but A doesn't love it yet. It means Ocean (in Hawaiian) so...okay. Time to read the Bible and go to bed. Good night! Man, I'm such a kid still. 20 years old. wow.

March 26, 2001

I was reading a book, "Chicken Soup for the Couple's Soul", and I came to the sudden realization my marriage will never be like any of those. Sure it's had a few good moments, but 90% of our almost year long situation has been hell. His temper is bad. I'm not going to deal with it.
I'm eight weeks pregnant now. Still tired and hungry! I'm excited for the baby to come.

March 19, 2001

It's a little late for me to be writing, but since I rarely write it's okay! I'm about 6 or 7 weeks now! Not showing yet. In about 2 months maybe I'll start to show. It's so weird. I'm so excited about a baby and A is so concerned about money. We're in 2 different worlds. We didn't qualify for medicaid but maybe this other thing. We'll see. I got a bunch of blood taken Friday. My right arm has a big bruise all over it from getting the blood drawn. Alright, me and my child need some sleep!

March 14, 2001

On Friday I went to a women's clinic and took another test and I am pregnant! I'm so happy! A was kind of weirded out at first but he is warming up to the idea. I can't wait to show and to be able to feel the baby! On Friday we're going to a place that will determine if we can get on medicaid, which would pay everything. I hope it will. We have to make under $1539/month. Okay. I'll write later. Thank you Lord for this awesome blessing!

March 4, 2001

[the beginning of the end]

I just took a test and it came out positive! I'm pregnant! I can't believe it! This diary is the first person I told because A doesn't want to get off of the phone. Thank you Lord! I need to find a doctor. This will be expensive, but oh well. I'm so happy! My face is like really hot because I was blushing when I found out!
How sad that I can't be telling this to A. He's so stubborn sometimes. Who this is crazy!

Did not go how I planned.
[I didn't include it in my diary because I didn't want our future kid to read it but when he got off the phone we got into a HUGE fight because he was pissed he had to get off of the phone. And he was mad I took a test and mad that I was pregnant.]

January 12, 2001

You know what? Forget him [BJ]. You know who makes me feel beautiful, important, safe and loved more than A probably ever will? My dad. He knows my faults and still loves me. He doesn't yell unnecessarily.
When/if we have a daughter I hope A will love her like that. I can't see him ever really loving me. I don't know if he wants to.
But man...I am not sure what to do anymore. Okay. Here is my last attempt for the night to work things out. If it doesn't happen I'm going to sleep.

January 11, 2001

I was thinking about the pros and cons of someone [BJ].
- made me feel beautiful
- I was most important
- felt safe
- tried to make me happy
- was innocently romantic

- druggie dad
- doesn't love Jesus
- not musical

I know the thing that takes the cake is not loving Jesus. But even though I'm content at this moment I can't help but wonder...bad I know.
I'd never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. I wonder though what I could've done to make things better. Either with him or A. Maybe I'm just being dramatic.

January 4, 2001

Well, I thought I was pregnant, I was 2 days late, but I started today. :( During this week I was doing a lot of dreaming and I would love to have a baby right now. I'm young and married, a perfect combo.
I was kind sad when the test told me no because I had gotten myself so excited over the prospect of my child growing in me. I never really seriously thought about pregnancy until [my friend] got pregnant. When someone you know goes through something it becomes more real, more of a possibility. A wants me to think of financial aspects and what a baby would to do our lives, etc. He doesn't want us to jump into this like we did marriage. Which is good I guess. God has been blessing us with peace and enjoying each other's company.