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April 15, 2001

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor. I've been crying.
Church was okay, but tonight about 45 minutes ago I began to think of how this is was my first child. What if it was a girl? The only girl I'll have? What if I miscarry a lot?
I don't think A understands that I had to have our child's body scraped out of me.
Everything I did was for the baby; the activities I did, the food I ate.
Tonight I ate salad and I was sad because the reason I began eating salad was the baby. But now, there's nothing to nourish.
I am so incredibly sad. I didn't know I could hurt so much. I never imagined all of this pain and confusion and loneliness. I am so alone.
Poor A. Before I came in here to the bathroom, I was on our bed crying and he didn't know what to do or say so he was just tickling my back. It was sweet but unfulfilling. 
I have yet to talk to someone who understands this. I joined a Christian miscarriage support group online so maybe that'll be good.
Why is that so difficult? God, please let this be the only miscarriage I have.
I really want to have a baby. I want my baby who is in heaven right now. I was thinking earlier and I know that the best place for my baby is in heaven, but I would've made it good down here.
I still keep hoping it's a dream. But it's not. It's a living nightmare.
A just made me some tea.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to the Christian book store to find books about dealing with this and then I'll go to the library to see if I can check them out so I don't have to spend money.
If my baby somehow has access to read this, I hope it knows how much I love it.
All I ever wanted was a child.