NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

September 18, 2001

We're on a cruise right now. It's fun. Today is Tuesday, 1 week from the attacks. It still depresses me. I can't understand it.
We went to Ensenada, Mexico today. It was fun. I am PMSing hardcore though and can't stand A most of the time.
The ship is bumpy, it's kind of like an airplane.

September 11, 2001

[I am not going to be posting anything about September 11th here. It was too much and too painful.]

September 7, 2001

A's birthday was good. But I am so tired & he asked me to fold his birthday clothes and I sighed loud because I was relaxing with a book. He got mad and we got into a fight. He was saying how the house is a mess and how I should just ask for help and all that makes me feel is inadequate. So what if I work 40 hours a week? I should be able to clean my house. And cooking? Let's not go there. I'm sort of down.

September 6, 2001

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been on and off depressed lately. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel I'm doing anyone any good, like I said before.
Today is A's 25th birthday. Not much is happening.
I need to deal with my low self esteem problem that started in 7th grade. I was telling my co-worker about it today and I felt like crying because I can still vividly feel how I felt back then. Every time I'm around [name omitted] I feel inferior. I know I'm allowing it to happen.

[more counseling questions]

Hiding from myself
I do because that's scary to me to think that the woman who comes out when I'm mad or sad is me. So I try not to think so much. Which is so impossible. I can't help but think. Then thinking makes me sad and if I'm around others, that's when I reach into my fake pouch and pull out a happy face.

Why are you always the "rock"?
I am a rock because I allow others to use me to lean on. And I don't mind it most of the time. It's when I'm the one who needs to lean that I get frustrated. Which is my fault because I don't think that anyone I know is where I am to understand my problems. I would like for someone to listen without trying to fix me and maybe simply say, "I'll pray for you" and leave it at that. I'm usually not out looking for answers. Because that requires focusing on everything which I truly do not enjoy.

September 2, 2001

I feel like I'm beyond counseling.
I am crying and I don't know why. I really don't. I just know that I am so blue for some reason. I am never this emotional on my period. I have no idea what is wrong.
What in my life is making a difference [to the world]? Nothing that's what.
I am feeling so lonely at the moment. I read my Bible yesterday and today but I guess I have to do that for a long time to feel a change.
It seems that the past few days have been all about trying not to cry and trying not to vomit. I felt semi-nauseous today. I hope I'm not getting sick.