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April 12, 2001

Well, I was going to say I'm still hopeful because the bleeding wasn't bad, but I've had constant back cramps and more blood. But I have a teeny amount of hope because the cramps aren't in my abdomen, just back ones. In the toilet right now where I'm sitting is a clot. There was one earlier the same size. I'm not crying because I'm still hopeful. but I've been awake since 6-something because of my cramps.
This is horrible.
I'd like to take a bath to relieve the pain but I'd bleed too much. I took the day off work so I can go to the doctor. My poor baby. I don't want pitying stares and similar stories. I want this baby. I want to have this baby that's in my womb (was in my womb?). How sad this is. And yet, I had a feeling it would happen. Why? I don't know. I do know that if in fact my baby is dead, God will make good come out of it. I hope this is something else though. This is God's child and whatever He sees fit will happen. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.
--a few seconds later--
Okay now I'm crying. There are too many clots and bright red

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