NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

October 31, 2002

I am moving out tomorrow for 30 days.
A is sick so he's sleeping in the guest room.
My last night here is lonely.
I'm sad sometimes.
I wish it didn't have to come to this. It's so hard. I hope he prays hard.
I don't want to lose him.
Sometimes I think I do, but I really don't.
30 days is such a long time.
I'm sure I'll cry and stuff and be sad all of the time but it has to be done.
His pastor told him I wasn't being submissive and stuff.
So that is what A is focusing on.
I truly believe his pastor uses some form of mind control. It's so sad.
I feel like I hate him (A) sometimes, but I don't.
I love him so much. Why, I don't know.
I hope my leaving affects him.
I want him to change.
I want us to change.
Without a miracle it won't and it's impossible.
Jesus, please help us. Please show us your way. Please let your truth shine where there is darkness, deceit or lies. Stop Satan in his tracks, oh God. Thank you for your saving love.

October 28, 2002

So...I gave him a letter stating everything I require in order to continue on in this marriage. It didn't turn out well I don't think, so most likely I'll be moving out for thirty days. If at the end of thirty days he still says no we will most likely get divorced. He needs to prove to me that our marriage is worth fighting for.
I'm giving him until Friday to reply. Friday morning I might be moving my stuff over to my mom & dad's house. Weird, huh?
In my future dreams as a child I never thought I'd separated or divorced.
Of course, I never thought I'd be in such a crappy marriage either. God will provide for me though.

October 27, 2002

I had a long talk with my parents today. I might leave A for thirty days. I think it's the only answer. Nothing is changing. I think he needs to lose things to realize what he has.
It's no one else's fault that my marriage is crappy, so why do I expect sensitivity? I shouldn't. But I still feel sad when I hear Lulu and [her fiance] kissing from the other room. Or when I see the deep deep love between [my brother and his wife].
Why can't I have that?
I am down and going deeper.
I need God and I need friends.
But mostly I need God. Bad.
If I did the 30 day thing it would be past Thanksgiving. I hope I can do it.
I'm just so so sad.

October 25, 2002

I'm so sick of everything.
I'm crying for the first time in a while. I hate my marriage. I hate my life. I can't stand anything. I took another pregnancy test that was negative. I wanted it to be positive so I could have some purpose to go on right now.
It seems like everything is falling apart. I began to cry and I felt dead inside. Hollow. Like a puppet. Nothing gives me pleasure any more.
I can't be in the same room as A for more than 5 minutes. I loathe him. LOATHE. He makes me miserable. Dammit. I'm so sad.

October 19, 2002

Guess what? I have wanted a Chihuahua for a long time.
Tuesday the 15th I was going home from practice and I called A. He said a chihuahua was at our house! So I went home and a cute one was there. She appeared on our doorstep and A called the number on her collar and they didn't know of a dog. So she's ours! Her name was Chancla which meant "old shoe" in Spanish, so we renamed her to Kiki. Yay!

October 9, 2002

I am so fed up. Grrr.
I don't know why but things really piss me off lately, things about A, and he laughs in my face. And when he gets mad it's serious. I trip out. Gosh dangit. He makes me feel so mad. Pissed. I really cannot stand him most of the time.

October 7, 2002

My period didn't really come so we were wondering if I could possibly be pregnant. So I took a test just now and it said negative. Who knows what's going on in my body. I'll probably take the other test in the morning just in case. I'm glad in a way but sort of not glad in another way. I don't "feel" pregnant though, so that was a sign right there. Oh well. In a couple years I guess.