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June 30, 2001

Wow. I feel like no one cares if I'm home or not. A was not too thrilled to see me. I should have stayed in San Diego for another week. There's nothing here for me. Not one thing. I want to smoke. That sucks. I don't know what to do with myself.
A left really early for church I think. He so does not love me. It sucked because I was telling him about [friend's band] and it was obvious he didn't give a crap and so I said, "Hey! Don't care!" and he's like, "Not really." and that SUCKED. I haven't seen him for a week and I'm excited about this band and he doesn't f-ing care. What the heck? So later I told him I was disappointed because of that and because I thought things were going to be different and they're exactly the same.
If he was my boyfriend he'd be SO out of my life. Why do I need this? Why do I need to feel in the way and unwanted? I DON'T!! I told him it's hard to spend a week with people who care what you say and then come home to someone who doesn't. I want friends who aren't married. Everyone married acts to old and stupid. I'm glad I have Lulu.
Gosh dangit everything sucks to me right now. I can't live my life in this marriage how it is. I wish A was 22 and normal. Light-hearted and funny. He's serious and boring.
Hanging out with Brett and [friend] and Ali, we laughed a lot. I can't remember a time when A and I have had a conversation that didn't lead up to an argument. Nothing was ever funny. It's so flipping serious. I HATE being serious ALL OF THE TIME. And I'm so not exaggerating. I don't even think A has the kind of fun I'm talking about with his friends. He doesn't really have any friends. He likes to be a loner. Then why'd he get married? That's a very good question. I think that it was a blind rush. How sad, huh? I don't even want to care anymore. If neither of us care then we can't get hurt and we won't fight any more.
I cannot believe this is my life. I am now glad I'm not pregnant. All of this would be harder to handle if I was. This is going to be the father of my children? This is going to be the marriage they are raised with? I don't think so. I don't know where God is in all of this. We both have asked for His help but not a damn thing has changed. Not one.
I wonder how I've lived in this marriage thus far. I'm probably used to it. No. I don't want to be. I feel like doing something right now but I don't know what. There's nowhere for me to go.