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December 28, 2001

I cannot stand A. We have been bickering all night and there was a time when it could have gotten better.
I asked A to pick up his stuff and he went on about how I sat at home all day and I should have. This is a person who rarely picks up my stuff. So I got pissed. He started telling me I have to be a real woman. So I told him to be a real man. He was bashing me verbally for not cleaning and I told him that it's just not me. He expects me to do everything and maybe sometimes he'll do something. Nope. For one, I don't feel he deserves that and two, if I was a homemaker, maybe. But I'm not. So, he's stupid. I told him I hate him and I screamed and said f*** you a lot. I slammed doors and left.
Before I walked out he's all, "You need to clean when you get home!"
A parting attack. I f***ing hate him so much sometimes. Sleeping with the enemy. This is such crap.
We can't go two weeks between counseling visits anymore.

December 12, 2001

Dear Baby,

If I could have saved all of the tears I shed over you, they would be enough to fill the sea. My heart aches to love you and my arms ache to hold you. I hold dolls imagining that you'd be that size if you were alive. I know you can't read these because God doesn't let any sadness into heaven, but I know you know I love you. I definitely am sad. I definitely am heart broken. I wish I was at home with you right now. I wish I was allowed to be in the special club that only mothers are in. I wish that when Gerber sent me things I wouldn't be sad. I wish you would have been able to feel me love you. When I think about all the "firsts" you'll never have, I'll never have, that's what saddens me the most. Sometimes I physically hurt for want of you. I love you my precious baby.


December 2, 2001

It's almost Christmas. I was looking at a baby boy outfit the other day at work and I held it as if I was holding a baby and it made me pretty sad. Every time I get near my time of the month I hold my breath in case I'm pregnant. But that is silly because we do not have insurance.
My whole being wants a child. My empty womb aches for a new life to grow within its safe walls.
I am tired a lot and I pretend it's because I'm pregnant, ignoring the fact that I don't get much sleep.
A and I are getting counseling together a week from today.
I wish I was buying a beautiful Christmas outfit for my child instead of mourning a death. I wish I was worrying about stretch marks instead of having a flat stomach. I wish I was cooking for my family instead of for A & I.
I'm at work so I can't cry. But if I was at home, I would.
I think I'll write a letter to my little baby.

Dear Baby,
Thanksgiving was lonely without you. I never thought I would hurt for you so much. I think about you and what you could have looked like and I get sad. I wanted to see your beautiful eyes twinkle with laughter.
I love you, baby. Say hi to Jesus for me.