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November 26, 2002

I wish it was over.
Our marriage, I mean. I wish this month was forever. I do not love A. At this second I can not see myself going back to him. I do not want to try and I do not want this anymore. I feel like Sunday when we meet is a forced punishment. I guess it'll be good though.
I want to get my own apartment and live by myself.

November 24, 2002

I have about a week left.
I guess a week from today (Sunday) we might meet. What is going to happen? I honestly have no clue.

November 21, 2002

It's getting hard to remember what A looks like in person. Isn't that weird? I've been with him almost 4 years and I'm forgetting him.
I do not want our marriage to end.
I need God's guidance for sure.

November 11, 2002

I took  my wedding ring off. A is buying that scooter with his mommy's $700. I'm not going to be married to some boy. I want a man and a man who cares about his wife. He lives like he's single. I'm not going to be over here pining away for him. So my taking it off was a symbolic F-you, if you will.
Honestly, I do not want a divorce. But as of right now it looks like that is what's happening. I am not moving back in to face $700 debt. I will not live under his mommy's thumb.
I really love A.
I love him so much I loathe him.
Every day it becomes more apparent that this is to be a God-thing. Because nothing I or anyone else says will help. I need to read the Bible right now. Goodnight.

November 6, 2002

I was sad a couple times today but I don't know.
I feel as if he doesn't care so why should I?
I may try to shut off my emotions.
I don't know.
I may be stupid.
I'm so lost.
All I know is without a miracle it's over.

November 5, 2002

I am crying.
I was dumb and checked A's email and found that he offered this guy $600 for a scooter.
Where did he get $600 from?
Then I came into the room I'm staying in and Kiki had peed all over my bed.
I lost it.
It just topped everything else I was feeling.
I feel like life is fine without me. He seems fine.
It's only been 5 days. How can I stand another 25??
It's so horrible not talking to him.
I don't really see at this moment what the point is.
I want to be over there.
We haven't kissed or hugged or had sex in so long.
What is happening?
I want things to be different. I want him to miss me. I want God to change both of us this instant so that we can be married again.
I need to feel needed and right now I don't.
No one needs me.
I feel trapped like I started a job and day in day out that's what I'm going to be doing.
And A doesn't need me.
Lulu doesn't need me.
My family doesn't need me.
The only ones who need me are my dogs and I yelled at Kiki.
Where am I going to sleep tonight?? I have no bed.
I hate all of this.
So much.

November 2, 2002

Here I am, day 2 of the separation. It's not hard today. It was hard yesterday but today was good.
I hung out with mom all day.
Not much to say yet.
Me & the dogs are enjoying this house. I'll write deeper stuff later.

I have to go to sleep because I haven't been getting any, but I thought I'd try to be more real.
I think the reality is that I have no sadness in my heart at this moment. It's been 2 nights.
So... 28 more to go.
I'm not sure if time will fly or not. That remains to be seen.