NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

December 23, 2002

I moved most of my stuff out of the house today. It's...interesting. If I let myself think too much about the future I'll freak out a little. Because thinking about moving out is a bit on the scary side. I wish I knew a little of what was going to happen.
I can't believe it's really over.

December 22, 2002

Tomorrow I'm moving all of my stuff out.
And just like that he's signing over the MR2 to me.
Just like that he's setting everything nicely for me.
Just. Like. That.
In a way it hurts, but in a way it doesn't.
But I can't believe how easy it is for him.
I can't believe we got married and lived together for 2.5 years and now it's over and we'll never speak to each other again.
When I bought this journal I never realized I would get married and divorced within its pages.

December 20, 2002

A and I are getting a divorce.
He won't leave his church. It's as simple as that.
So I'm moving my stuff out soon and then I'm going to look at divorce proceedings.
I'm excited to be free again. I should just not marry and play the field for a loooong time.

November 26, 2002

I wish it was over.
Our marriage, I mean. I wish this month was forever. I do not love A. At this second I can not see myself going back to him. I do not want to try and I do not want this anymore. I feel like Sunday when we meet is a forced punishment. I guess it'll be good though.
I want to get my own apartment and live by myself.

November 24, 2002

I have about a week left.
I guess a week from today (Sunday) we might meet. What is going to happen? I honestly have no clue.

November 21, 2002

It's getting hard to remember what A looks like in person. Isn't that weird? I've been with him almost 4 years and I'm forgetting him.
I do not want our marriage to end.
I need God's guidance for sure.

November 11, 2002

I took  my wedding ring off. A is buying that scooter with his mommy's $700. I'm not going to be married to some boy. I want a man and a man who cares about his wife. He lives like he's single. I'm not going to be over here pining away for him. So my taking it off was a symbolic F-you, if you will.
Honestly, I do not want a divorce. But as of right now it looks like that is what's happening. I am not moving back in to face $700 debt. I will not live under his mommy's thumb.
I really love A.
I love him so much I loathe him.
Every day it becomes more apparent that this is to be a God-thing. Because nothing I or anyone else says will help. I need to read the Bible right now. Goodnight.

November 6, 2002

I was sad a couple times today but I don't know.
I feel as if he doesn't care so why should I?
I may try to shut off my emotions.
I don't know.
I may be stupid.
I'm so lost.
All I know is without a miracle it's over.

November 5, 2002

I am crying.
I was dumb and checked A's email and found that he offered this guy $600 for a scooter.
Where did he get $600 from?
Then I came into the room I'm staying in and Kiki had peed all over my bed.
I lost it.
It just topped everything else I was feeling.
I feel like life is fine without me. He seems fine.
It's only been 5 days. How can I stand another 25??
It's so horrible not talking to him.
I don't really see at this moment what the point is.
I want to be over there.
We haven't kissed or hugged or had sex in so long.
What is happening?
I want things to be different. I want him to miss me. I want God to change both of us this instant so that we can be married again.
I need to feel needed and right now I don't.
No one needs me.
I feel trapped like I started a job and day in day out that's what I'm going to be doing.
And A doesn't need me.
Lulu doesn't need me.
My family doesn't need me.
The only ones who need me are my dogs and I yelled at Kiki.
Where am I going to sleep tonight?? I have no bed.
I hate all of this.
So much.

November 2, 2002

Here I am, day 2 of the separation. It's not hard today. It was hard yesterday but today was good.
I hung out with mom all day.
Not much to say yet.
Me & the dogs are enjoying this house. I'll write deeper stuff later.

I have to go to sleep because I haven't been getting any, but I thought I'd try to be more real.
I think the reality is that I have no sadness in my heart at this moment. It's been 2 nights.
So... 28 more to go.
I'm not sure if time will fly or not. That remains to be seen.

October 31, 2002

I am moving out tomorrow for 30 days.
A is sick so he's sleeping in the guest room.
My last night here is lonely.
I'm sad sometimes.
I wish it didn't have to come to this. It's so hard. I hope he prays hard.
I don't want to lose him.
Sometimes I think I do, but I really don't.
30 days is such a long time.
I'm sure I'll cry and stuff and be sad all of the time but it has to be done.
His pastor told him I wasn't being submissive and stuff.
So that is what A is focusing on.
I truly believe his pastor uses some form of mind control. It's so sad.
I feel like I hate him (A) sometimes, but I don't.
I love him so much. Why, I don't know.
I hope my leaving affects him.
I want him to change.
I want us to change.
Without a miracle it won't and it's impossible.
Jesus, please help us. Please show us your way. Please let your truth shine where there is darkness, deceit or lies. Stop Satan in his tracks, oh God. Thank you for your saving love.

October 28, 2002

So...I gave him a letter stating everything I require in order to continue on in this marriage. It didn't turn out well I don't think, so most likely I'll be moving out for thirty days. If at the end of thirty days he still says no we will most likely get divorced. He needs to prove to me that our marriage is worth fighting for.
I'm giving him until Friday to reply. Friday morning I might be moving my stuff over to my mom & dad's house. Weird, huh?
In my future dreams as a child I never thought I'd separated or divorced.
Of course, I never thought I'd be in such a crappy marriage either. God will provide for me though.

October 27, 2002

I had a long talk with my parents today. I might leave A for thirty days. I think it's the only answer. Nothing is changing. I think he needs to lose things to realize what he has.
It's no one else's fault that my marriage is crappy, so why do I expect sensitivity? I shouldn't. But I still feel sad when I hear Lulu and [her fiance] kissing from the other room. Or when I see the deep deep love between [my brother and his wife].
Why can't I have that?
I am down and going deeper.
I need God and I need friends.
But mostly I need God. Bad.
If I did the 30 day thing it would be past Thanksgiving. I hope I can do it.
I'm just so so sad.

October 25, 2002

I'm so sick of everything.
I'm crying for the first time in a while. I hate my marriage. I hate my life. I can't stand anything. I took another pregnancy test that was negative. I wanted it to be positive so I could have some purpose to go on right now.
It seems like everything is falling apart. I began to cry and I felt dead inside. Hollow. Like a puppet. Nothing gives me pleasure any more.
I can't be in the same room as A for more than 5 minutes. I loathe him. LOATHE. He makes me miserable. Dammit. I'm so sad.

October 19, 2002

Guess what? I have wanted a Chihuahua for a long time.
Tuesday the 15th I was going home from practice and I called A. He said a chihuahua was at our house! So I went home and a cute one was there. She appeared on our doorstep and A called the number on her collar and they didn't know of a dog. So she's ours! Her name was Chancla which meant "old shoe" in Spanish, so we renamed her to Kiki. Yay!

October 9, 2002

I am so fed up. Grrr.
I don't know why but things really piss me off lately, things about A, and he laughs in my face. And when he gets mad it's serious. I trip out. Gosh dangit. He makes me feel so mad. Pissed. I really cannot stand him most of the time.

October 7, 2002

My period didn't really come so we were wondering if I could possibly be pregnant. So I took a test just now and it said negative. Who knows what's going on in my body. I'll probably take the other test in the morning just in case. I'm glad in a way but sort of not glad in another way. I don't "feel" pregnant though, so that was a sign right there. Oh well. In a couple years I guess.

July 1, 2002

I am so mad. A missed four days of work. That's so much money. He brought $140 cash with him. And he OWES HIS FRIEND OVER A HUNDRED DOLLARS. Our rent is due today. We have $540 in the bank. Our insurance is due the 11th. I need to buy my brother a wedding present. We also owe his dad $400 next week. He says, "Trust in God". I don't believe that God would have A miss work and spend money we don't have.
I tripped out. I'm so pissed.
And we were fighting about a lot of things and then he put his headphones on and said "No more for 10 minutes."
How convenient. I don't think A is following God. And AV and [my other cousin] are coming to town. That sucks. I can't pretend to love A. I do not love him. I couldn't even write "I love you" in the card I got him.
How lame. I feel so trapped and so alone. I cannot live like this anymore. DAMMIT. How long have I been saying that? I guess I've always been hopeful. I don't know if I can hope any more. I wish he never came home.
I wish it was over.
God, please rescue me.

June 29, 2002

A has been in New York since Wednesday (today is Saturday). His church paid for him to go. They're at this thing called The Call which is a nationwide day of prayer and fasting and concerts and preaching.
I do not miss him at all. He comes home tomorrow. I missed him when he first left, but not anymore. It's so nice to have him gone.

June 20, 2002

Well I called him this morning. We talked about his job and cars. It was pretty uneventful. It was really nice to hear his voice. He said to call him sometime. So maybe sometime I will. Who knows?
A is trying to be so nice but I don't care right now. He should have tried being nice from the start. And he always does this. Nice for a few days, mean for a lot. I cannot stand it. I told him  something along the lines of I want out and I think he's sad.
I'm going to call him and tell him I don't care if he goes to New York [with people from his church]. I'll have fun without him here. I don't know how we can afford 4 days without him working, but oh well.

June 18, 2002

I went to San Diego for 3 days last week. I wrote about it online so I'll print it and paste it in here some time.
Lulu and I just watched a chick flick called "Kate & Leopold". The guy on there was so polite and so romantic. Movies like that always make me wistful. Speaking of wistful, BJ used to live near the BofA building and every time I pass it I get sad.
Today we passed by my Aunt/Uncle/Grandma/Grandpa's old house. When they lived there I was visiting them and it was when I was first with BJ and I know I'm horrible because I'm married, but I can't stop thinking about stuff that happened there. Like how in front of the house we were outside "saying" [kissing] goodbye and how he would open his legs (standing up) so that we were the same height. And I remember so much. It's all good of course.
A few weeks to a month ago I read this book about this girl who met and fell in love with a guy. They were perfect for each other. Then somehow they lose touch because of a misunderstanding. So she goes on to marry someone else and has two kids. She is sort of unhappy in her life. Her and her boss go to New York and see a famous guy. It's him. Her ex-love. So they spend time together and even end up kissing. She's married, so nothing can happen. She goes back home and her husband finds out. Their marriage gets repaired. One day when the husband is 40 or 50-something, he suddenly dies. A year later the old love walks into her life again and I guess they get married.
That story makes me ache. It is so painful to read. And I know last year when I met with [BJ] I was supposed to get over all of this, but I didn't. I always wonder. Always.
I just flipped to last year [in my journal] and it's almost a year to the day. I can't remember what my journal looks like from 1996. I was curious to see if this was around the time when we first met. Okay I found it. This is exactly the week we met in 1996. No wonder. It's like my subconscious is remembering. Dang. I'm crying now. Because almost exactly this day the next year I found out [super personal information]. Almost every single year at this time something happens with him.
I feel so weak right now. What can I do? I've been wanting to call and say hi for weeks. Should I? And what if I did? What would I say? Hi, BJ, I'm supposed to be a good Christian girl and love my husband but I keep thinking about you? Hi BJ I wish that you and I could have had a real chance but now I'm stuck in a bad marriage? Hi BJ. I'm a pathetic old girl who...I don't know. I think I will call him. But maybe from Lulu's phone. Just to see if he's alive. Because this thinking about him every year thing is getting weird. Weird and frustrating. I do entertain those thoughts at times. But...not for long because I'm not "supposed" to.
I feel all nervous though. Why? If I had a wish...I can't even be honest with anyone.
You know why that story makes me ache? Because the best years of her life were spent with the man who was obviously not "the one". Does anyone else see the parallel?
I feel as if I'm going to burst. With emotion. And maybe that'd be better. If I burst. Then I wouldn't be alive anymore. Nothing about my life do I like. So I think I'm going to stop caring. Like if A's looking at another girl, I won't say anything. Or if he talks to girls I won't be like "Who is that?" I'll just let whatever is going to happen happen.
It's almost 1:30am. I am now in the bathroom (I was in the guest room) which means I am going to lay by A soon. I'm so arrogant in thinking that my life will turn out like that story. Because who knows anything?
I'm thinking maybe my unhappiness in my marriage feeds this wistful fire. Because if A was nice, if we got along, if we had fun, I doubt this would happen. But he's not and we don't. It makes me sick to think that anyone would read this but knowing my luck, they will. And it'll all be over.
I am horrible. Because sometimes I wish A would cheat on me so I'd have an excuse.
I can't even think about the rest of my life with A. It's enough to make me want to slit my wrists. Not that I would but you get the idea.
I am horrible and evil, I know.

June 6, 2002

Wow, I haven't written for soo long. I couldn't find this anywhere. But it was in the cedar chest all along.
Since April, hmm, I don't think much has happened. We went to San Diego the week after our anniversary, that was fun. We went to Tijuana and Old Town. It was great. Oh! And we went surfing in La Jolla. That was sooo fun.

May 8, 2002

I am a room operator online in a miscarriage chat room and the owner asked me to write my testimony. So, I have been thinking about it and I don't know where to start or finish.
Hey! I started talking to P again! All of the sudden one day he IM'd me and so now we talk! I am so happy because I love him so much as a friend.
I wish I could go dancing more. I love to dance. I may not be good at it but I love it all the same. :)

I feel so distant from A. All he talks about lately is car crap. I have spent no quality time with him. I am feeling like I am losing interest and vice versa. He is so unreasonable to talk to. It seems the things we want are opposite.
It seems at times like these I don't even know what to do. I have nowhere to go and so I am stuck at home.
I think it's obvious I'm sad but what difference does that make to him? None at all. And I tried to tell him my feelings, but he didn't understand. Now he's asking me to hang out and I'm telling him no. He's so mean and such a bully sometimes. He's asking me again and again. I am getting so irritated. I hate this so much.

April 10, 2002

Our anniversary was good. Just in case I forget, our 1st anniversary was in San Diego and we went to dinner. This anniversary we hung out and went to dinner and rented a movie.
We sold the sport bike [motorcycle] for $4900 so we're going to pay off the bike loan. We're also going to sell the Jetta :( and pay it off and sell the VW Bus and pay the Jetta off. We're going to get totally out of debt. The only thing on my head after that is dumb medical bills. I know God will do something though.
I saw Brett on Saturday. He came down. It made me sad because we're a lot alike and I wonder. [!!!!!!!] But it's pointless. I love A. I don't know if I'm in love with him but I love him a lot.

March 29, 2002

This sounds sick and sad and twisted but I'm really missing BJ right now. We were at the Goldcoast and it's Rockabilly weekend. He was into that. If we were together he totally would have wanted to dress all 50's and go hang out.
I told A he should change his whole "style" and he said no. (I use "style" because you can't call what A wears style. It's more of a whatever I throw on I'll wear.)
So I miss BJ's company because if we were there  I know he'd be all crazy and stuff. We had amazing fun together. It is rare that I have fun with A. I can't remember the last time I went out with him and said, "Wow that was fun." I have a hyper personality, A is either a zombie or a 2-year-old. It sucks.
I wish I would have waited until after I was 21 to marry. Being young (w/o A) is too much fun to pass up.
I can't shake this feeling. I will ignore it once tomorrow comes, but I know that...well nevermind. Past cannot be changed and to dwell is to make myself miserable.
I just feel like crying.

March 24, 2002

Things are great with me and A.
Lulu turned 21 on Tuesday, so at midnight she and I went out and drank and went bowling. We didn't get home until 4:30 am then last night, me, her and two of her work friends went out to Lulu & my first club, Seven. We danced and drank. I danced so much. I drank so much. It was fun. 8 of my toes have blisters! We got home at 4am.
Tonight we're having a surprise party for her. She has no idea. I don't think. So yay!

February 25, 2002

So okay.
I now know I'm not crazy and my suspicions are true.
That church teaches false things. They say a Christian can be demon possessed. They also give a class on how to speak in tongues. A's friend emailed me and told me that. My dad said that's a sea of red flags.
It is very discouraging, but at the same time good to hear because I know I'm not unhinged.
I drove Lulu by there the other night and I was driving fast and she burst into prayer against that church. It was totally the Holy Spirit because she was so fervent and bold. After she was done she immediately said, "That wasn't me." So...I don't know.
I cannot stand him. I don't think I love him and I don't even want to be with him that much. I am so helpless. We haven't even spoken for 3 days. That's mainly me because I cannot stand him. I really think I loathe him and all he does.
He was telling me today to submit to him and I said no, only if you submit to God. He thinks he is and said so, and I said you're not so I won't. He told me I had to or needed to. Whatever. He is such a weak boy. That is why I think I cannot stand him.
This man who I thought was so strong turned out to be w e a k.

February 16, 2002

I would love it if we moved.
Oops, I automatically said "we" but, I don't know. I'm such a big talked, I would never leave him but I can't imagine being with Serious Man for the rest of my life. I'm young once, I'm 21 once and I want to live it up.
I just said to him that we're only young once and we're wasting all of our youngness on fighting. I told him I don't want to sit at home night after night and he said, "You don't have to." and I said I want to have fun and he kept playing guitar. How lucky am I to have such a wonderful romantic husband.
I guess if what I only wanted was fun I should've married BJ. He was so fun.
Grrr...marriage shouldn't be one of life's regrets. Marriage should be a great sound decision one makes.
Reading my journal sounds like I'm depressed all of the time. When I'm happy I usually don't want to take the time to write. It seems silly to write when you're happy.
A is so involved with his own stuff he doesn't even care about mine.
Why why why why.
I'm going to make a complaint list.

In No Order1. We don't kiss
2. I am married
3. I don't go out
4. We don't get along
5. I have 1 friend
6. We live in Vegas
7. We have no money
8. We're not friends
9. Struggle to talk

February 13, 2002

I have to pretend that things are okay but they're not and they can't be.
I cannot handle this.

February 6, 2002

Well it's official. I lost priority in A's life. He is going to prayer over there right now, he's going to church all night tonight, he bought tapes, he wants to go on Sundays.
It's over and I don't think I can be married to him much longer. He doesn't care about me anymore. He thinks this is for us, but the only thing it's done for us is separate. He says it's seeking God but why does it have to involve that church?
Why am I so upset? I don't know, but soon all of his time will be spent over there and he's not going to have a wife anymore. It's okay, he'll find one at that church. He is so not my husband anymore. And last night I read him my feelings and yet he goes even more. It doesn't make sense.

February 4, 2002

My dad invited me to lunch today and we basically talked about A the whole time. My dad has warned A about this church and A has completely disregarded my dad's advice. A is rebellious against authority. I cannot stand him right now. He just bought a tape player so he could listen to that pastor's sermons. This makes me so sick.
Good thing God is in control.

I just tripped out on him. He was on the phone with [his friend] and at 11:45 I was mad because from the second we got home he was on the phone. So I told him, "Does [his friend] know you have a wife and a marriage that sucks?" Hinting to get off of the phone.

February 2, 2002

I'm so blue. I feel so ugly, lazy and out of shape. I have no friends. I am so lonely it's unbelievable. I can't remember the last time I hung out with anyone besides A. I live day to day with no purpose. My life is so meaningless. I did just start my period so my hormones are out of whack but I think this is my most real time. It's when I realize that not very many people like me. I have Lulu as a friend but it's not like we hang out much. I guess I'm jealous of A because he goes to that crazy church and has lots of people to hang out with at any given moment.
I'm 21, I never ever go out and I'm married. A keeps telling me I'm trying to control him and I don't know if it's true or not. I don't feel love from him too often and every time that church is mentioned I get upset.
I feel like I'm fading away, out of life. I love A a lot and I guess I get mad because he'd rather hang out with his church friends most of the time. I feel like crying and it's been so long since I've cried. I am unhappy with every aspect of my life except Pierre.
A called me [name omitted] because he says since I have no friends I have to control him. Is that true? I don't even know what's real anymore. And it's times like this that I feel like giving up. I don't want to be married to A anymore, I don't want to live this pathetic life anymore.
I think I should start being fake to A. Pretend that I don't care what he does, that way he'll be happy.
Why don't people like me? Sure they act okay to me at church but when it comes down to inviting people to hang out, I'm not on their list.
One cool thing happened today. I was walking past the bookstore at church and [name omitted] called out, "Sarah" and so I went in there and she's all, "I love you." and she said it twice. So that was very nice.
A is so hard to talk to. He doesn't understand and everything is so cut and dry for him. There's always an easy answer. I am so sad.

February 1, 2002

My mom just told me to make a pact with him to not talk about that church. So we sort of did. We had a good night and then we were praying and he asked God to help him with what to do on Sundays. After we were done I asked him what that meant and I knew it was the church. I felt sick inside and he was so hurt and sad. I don't know what's wrong with me. I crave his hurt sometimes. I'm so sick.

January 30, 2002

Once again fighting about the church. If it wasn't for that our marriage would be okay. I believe God is moving but I don't know if it has to involve this church. I don't understand.

January 23, 2002

A keeps going to that church.
I'm am just so confused about it. It seems so wrong to me. On the surface things seem good and godly...but I don't know.

January 16, 2002

I have lost track of the days.
A started going to a church [a cult, actually] that I do not agree with. So that's causing a lot of crap in me.
But other than that things are good.
I used to totally love [his friend] but [his friend] is involved in that church so I'm a bit wary. I can't be as nice to him as I used to be.
He's going tomorrow night again. Dang it. It's so hard for me to swallow for some reason. I feel highly similar to how I felt when [A's creepy friend who lived with us for a while and was mean to me and my nephews and had an anger problem] lived here. Hmm.
It's now 1-something AM and I'm in a separate bedroom. Everything A is doing is so fake to me and I can't stand being in the same room as him. So.
He doesn't understand me. When I was writing earlier he was on the phone with [his friend]. They talked and laughed and spoke of spiritual things.
This was at 12:30AM and I kinda hoped A and I would have some alone time, but no. Talking on the phone was more of a priority. So I was sort of upset and I told him that. I told him I was jealous and not to use it against me.
So he, being Mr. Calm now, got off the phone 10-15 minutes later and then asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him I was really upset so no. But then I decided to and I told him in my thinking, the husband and wife should be closest spiritually. He said it's hard, blah blah, and I said yes but you should spend time trying to achieve that with me and not your "brothers" [what he called everyone at his church- he would literally spend every free minute "fellowshipping" with these people.]. So it went on for a time and I got so flipping frustrated. That's why I'm in the guest room. I do not want to be near him.
See, I do but I don't. I told him I hate the him that is. I was talking and he said, "Look at your fruit; anger, jealousy, fits of rage." and told me to look at myself.
It is so much for me to handle. I told him how I don't sleep much and my days aren't good and how it's hard on me emotionally. I said, "I hope you're done soon and you can go back to whatever," in reply to him saying, "I don't think you realize how much I'm going this for us."
In the course of our conversation I told him he sounded brainwashed or hypnotized. Since I began writing this, twice he tried to get me to come back.
"Sarah, come to bed."
"I'm already in bed."
"Well, the door's open when you're done in there."
"I'm not going to be done in here so you should close the door."

"Sarah! Sarah! Come to bed!"
"I'm in bed."
"This sucks."
"Because you're leaving me in here alone."
"You seem to not enjoy spending time with me, so it's okay."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is, look at your 'fruit'."

So I am going to go to sleep.
Oh, I also told him I feel trapped and the thought of being married to "this" for the rest of my life scares me.

January 10, 2002

I have so much turmoil inside of me. It's making me feel sick.

January 4, 2002

I am so tired of all of this.
I have tried the past few days to be positive and A is so negative. When I tried to tell him, he got mad. Can't I tell the truth?
I want to cry, but that's only because it's so close to my period. I am just going to spend time away from him.
I read this Christian romance booked called :Bamboo & Lace" by Lori Wick. The main character in it was raised in Lhasa which is a place where women can't even look men in the eye. The girl moves to Hawaii and she is so godly and humble and pure. After spending 400-something pages with her I grew to love her and I long to be more like that. So I have been praying more and stuff. I can already feel God more. I know He wants me to be all I can be through Him.
So setbacks like this fight with A are semi-discouraging but also understandable. Whenever you're on the right path Satan will try to deflect you.