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May 12, 2001

Well it's the one monthiversary of my miscarriage. I got my period. I'm so blah right now. Anything I could be sad about I am.
My little baby. Praising God in heaven. I hope he/she can't see me because I wouldn't want him/her to be sad. There are no tears in heaven.
I don't really want to go to church tomorrow because it's Mother's Day and it was supposed to be my first. And all the other pregnant girls are going to be beaming and rubbing their pregnant bellies. I just don't really want to deal with it.
It is raining right now, perfect for my mood.
I can't believe I thought my pain was gone and done with. The truth is far from it. I am so sad. I don't focus on it because I don't want to be depressed all of the time. But it's times like these when I feel so small and so helpless. Like if I'm not going to be a mom right now, then what is the point of me being here? Why am I where I am? What does God want me to do? I am young and married. Not even happily married. Just married.
A doesn't know I'm crying. I can't express my emotions to anyone because they don't understand.