NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

June 30, 2001

Wow. I feel like no one cares if I'm home or not. A was not too thrilled to see me. I should have stayed in San Diego for another week. There's nothing here for me. Not one thing. I want to smoke. That sucks. I don't know what to do with myself.
A left really early for church I think. He so does not love me. It sucked because I was telling him about [friend's band] and it was obvious he didn't give a crap and so I said, "Hey! Don't care!" and he's like, "Not really." and that SUCKED. I haven't seen him for a week and I'm excited about this band and he doesn't f-ing care. What the heck? So later I told him I was disappointed because of that and because I thought things were going to be different and they're exactly the same.
If he was my boyfriend he'd be SO out of my life. Why do I need this? Why do I need to feel in the way and unwanted? I DON'T!! I told him it's hard to spend a week with people who care what you say and then come home to someone who doesn't. I want friends who aren't married. Everyone married acts to old and stupid. I'm glad I have Lulu.
Gosh dangit everything sucks to me right now. I can't live my life in this marriage how it is. I wish A was 22 and normal. Light-hearted and funny. He's serious and boring.
Hanging out with Brett and [friend] and Ali, we laughed a lot. I can't remember a time when A and I have had a conversation that didn't lead up to an argument. Nothing was ever funny. It's so flipping serious. I HATE being serious ALL OF THE TIME. And I'm so not exaggerating. I don't even think A has the kind of fun I'm talking about with his friends. He doesn't really have any friends. He likes to be a loner. Then why'd he get married? That's a very good question. I think that it was a blind rush. How sad, huh? I don't even want to care anymore. If neither of us care then we can't get hurt and we won't fight any more.
I cannot believe this is my life. I am now glad I'm not pregnant. All of this would be harder to handle if I was. This is going to be the father of my children? This is going to be the marriage they are raised with? I don't think so. I don't know where God is in all of this. We both have asked for His help but not a damn thing has changed. Not one.
I wonder how I've lived in this marriage thus far. I'm probably used to it. No. I don't want to be. I feel like doing something right now but I don't know what. There's nowhere for me to go.

June 29, 2001

[in san diego visiting family]

I'm going home tomorrow so I'm excited to see A. I have a counseling appointment next week but I haven't been doing my journaling. I don't feel like thinking about my miscarriage. Maybe when I'm in a sad mood some time.
Ali and I hung out with Brett and [friend] last night. It was fun. I'm glad that there is nothing remaining with Brett & I. Just the friendship that has always been.
I want to move to San Diego. I think A and I both need to be away from our parents and probably everyone so we just have each other. Then maybe we'll become the "best friends" married couples always talk about.
I hope A misses me. I talk to him almost every day but I think he rather enjoys this time apart from me. A lot. Which makes me sad, but I understand because I can be such a flipping monster sometimes.

June 20, 2001

I saw BJ! We met at Starbucks at 8 and talked until 10! It was really good to see and talk to him. I was able to apologize to him and he said it's okay.
I miss him in a non-romantic way. He's fun. He told me he was the happiest when he was with me. He said he loves his current girlfriend to death but he's not as happy with her as he was with me. I told him things would probably be different if I wouldn't have been 16. He said we were young and stupid and I agreed. So.
I told him to keep in touch, call me sometime and let me know what's up. He said he would. He's glad we're friends at least. I've known him for almost 6 years. Crazy, huh? He's different but the same. But it was a really really cool time and I'm stoked A let me and encouraged me to go.