NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

September 6, 2001

I don't know what's wrong with me. I have been on and off depressed lately. I don't feel attractive, I don't feel I'm doing anyone any good, like I said before.
Today is A's 25th birthday. Not much is happening.
I need to deal with my low self esteem problem that started in 7th grade. I was telling my co-worker about it today and I felt like crying because I can still vividly feel how I felt back then. Every time I'm around [name omitted] I feel inferior. I know I'm allowing it to happen.

[more counseling questions]

Hiding from myself
I do because that's scary to me to think that the woman who comes out when I'm mad or sad is me. So I try not to think so much. Which is so impossible. I can't help but think. Then thinking makes me sad and if I'm around others, that's when I reach into my fake pouch and pull out a happy face.

Why are you always the "rock"?
I am a rock because I allow others to use me to lean on. And I don't mind it most of the time. It's when I'm the one who needs to lean that I get frustrated. Which is my fault because I don't think that anyone I know is where I am to understand my problems. I would like for someone to listen without trying to fix me and maybe simply say, "I'll pray for you" and leave it at that. I'm usually not out looking for answers. Because that requires focusing on everything which I truly do not enjoy.