NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

February 25, 2002

So okay.
I now know I'm not crazy and my suspicions are true.
That church teaches false things. They say a Christian can be demon possessed. They also give a class on how to speak in tongues. A's friend emailed me and told me that. My dad said that's a sea of red flags.
It is very discouraging, but at the same time good to hear because I know I'm not unhinged.
I drove Lulu by there the other night and I was driving fast and she burst into prayer against that church. It was totally the Holy Spirit because she was so fervent and bold. After she was done she immediately said, "That wasn't me." So...I don't know.
I cannot stand him. I don't think I love him and I don't even want to be with him that much. I am so helpless. We haven't even spoken for 3 days. That's mainly me because I cannot stand him. I really think I loathe him and all he does.
He was telling me today to submit to him and I said no, only if you submit to God. He thinks he is and said so, and I said you're not so I won't. He told me I had to or needed to. Whatever. He is such a weak boy. That is why I think I cannot stand him.
This man who I thought was so strong turned out to be w e a k.

February 16, 2002

I would love it if we moved.
Oops, I automatically said "we" but, I don't know. I'm such a big talked, I would never leave him but I can't imagine being with Serious Man for the rest of my life. I'm young once, I'm 21 once and I want to live it up.
I just said to him that we're only young once and we're wasting all of our youngness on fighting. I told him I don't want to sit at home night after night and he said, "You don't have to." and I said I want to have fun and he kept playing guitar. How lucky am I to have such a wonderful romantic husband.
I guess if what I only wanted was fun I should've married BJ. He was so fun.
Grrr...marriage shouldn't be one of life's regrets. Marriage should be a great sound decision one makes.
Reading my journal sounds like I'm depressed all of the time. When I'm happy I usually don't want to take the time to write. It seems silly to write when you're happy.
A is so involved with his own stuff he doesn't even care about mine.
Why why why why.
I'm going to make a complaint list.

In No Order1. We don't kiss
2. I am married
3. I don't go out
4. We don't get along
5. I have 1 friend
6. We live in Vegas
7. We have no money
8. We're not friends
9. Struggle to talk

February 13, 2002

I have to pretend that things are okay but they're not and they can't be.
I cannot handle this.

February 6, 2002

Well it's official. I lost priority in A's life. He is going to prayer over there right now, he's going to church all night tonight, he bought tapes, he wants to go on Sundays.
It's over and I don't think I can be married to him much longer. He doesn't care about me anymore. He thinks this is for us, but the only thing it's done for us is separate. He says it's seeking God but why does it have to involve that church?
Why am I so upset? I don't know, but soon all of his time will be spent over there and he's not going to have a wife anymore. It's okay, he'll find one at that church. He is so not my husband anymore. And last night I read him my feelings and yet he goes even more. It doesn't make sense.

February 4, 2002

My dad invited me to lunch today and we basically talked about A the whole time. My dad has warned A about this church and A has completely disregarded my dad's advice. A is rebellious against authority. I cannot stand him right now. He just bought a tape player so he could listen to that pastor's sermons. This makes me so sick.
Good thing God is in control.

I just tripped out on him. He was on the phone with [his friend] and at 11:45 I was mad because from the second we got home he was on the phone. So I told him, "Does [his friend] know you have a wife and a marriage that sucks?" Hinting to get off of the phone.

February 2, 2002

I'm so blue. I feel so ugly, lazy and out of shape. I have no friends. I am so lonely it's unbelievable. I can't remember the last time I hung out with anyone besides A. I live day to day with no purpose. My life is so meaningless. I did just start my period so my hormones are out of whack but I think this is my most real time. It's when I realize that not very many people like me. I have Lulu as a friend but it's not like we hang out much. I guess I'm jealous of A because he goes to that crazy church and has lots of people to hang out with at any given moment.
I'm 21, I never ever go out and I'm married. A keeps telling me I'm trying to control him and I don't know if it's true or not. I don't feel love from him too often and every time that church is mentioned I get upset.
I feel like I'm fading away, out of life. I love A a lot and I guess I get mad because he'd rather hang out with his church friends most of the time. I feel like crying and it's been so long since I've cried. I am unhappy with every aspect of my life except Pierre.
A called me [name omitted] because he says since I have no friends I have to control him. Is that true? I don't even know what's real anymore. And it's times like this that I feel like giving up. I don't want to be married to A anymore, I don't want to live this pathetic life anymore.
I think I should start being fake to A. Pretend that I don't care what he does, that way he'll be happy.
Why don't people like me? Sure they act okay to me at church but when it comes down to inviting people to hang out, I'm not on their list.
One cool thing happened today. I was walking past the bookstore at church and [name omitted] called out, "Sarah" and so I went in there and she's all, "I love you." and she said it twice. So that was very nice.
A is so hard to talk to. He doesn't understand and everything is so cut and dry for him. There's always an easy answer. I am so sad.

February 1, 2002

My mom just told me to make a pact with him to not talk about that church. So we sort of did. We had a good night and then we were praying and he asked God to help him with what to do on Sundays. After we were done I asked him what that meant and I knew it was the church. I felt sick inside and he was so hurt and sad. I don't know what's wrong with me. I crave his hurt sometimes. I'm so sick.