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November 21, 2000

Each day is one step closer to leaving his butt. He is such a jerk and most of the time I LOATHE him. All he does is explode on me and he's not able to listen to my side. I am so dumb for doing this. What a fricking jerk. He makes me mad. His technique is to bully me by raising his voice and then say what he wants to say. EVERY SINGLE TIME I open my mouth, he interrupts. HOW CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS EVERY DAY???It is a living hell. 1 benefit of marriage? Um. NOT ONE.
I'm just like dang I should've waited for ______. I keep hoping one of us will die. It'd make it easier.
Trying to have a conversation or even to fight is like pulling teeth. Sometimes I hate him and my heart is twisted into a knot. I feel like it is a stone in my chest. And I know God is waiting for me but I enjoy this anger right now because I feel it's justifiable. I feel right about this.  Well, maybe not fully right. I locked him out of our room and put his pillow out there too. If he can't respect me enough to listen to me, he doesn't deserve to sleep next to me. I don't want him to die, just me.
I am so in over my head. A is a freaky boy. His emotions are all turned to anger. I am not going to blame it on how he was raised, he is 24, old enough to change. "God will change me." Yeah that's true but not if you're not going to try. This is such a joke of a marriage.
I feel like I'm the only one who is attempting to love each other. Like he's so angry at me all of the time that he can't show me love. He can say I love you and it mostly sounds empty. He is so unromantic. I want to feel cherished and special. I don't. I feel like a mistake, like a hassle, like second best. It's awful. And it's sad because I always end up blaming me. If he was not how he is, I wouldn't be how I get. We can be joking around and he'll turn serious and like .5 seconds away from getting mad. It does not make any sense to me. I'm going to have a beer.

November 8, 2000

I feel like A doesn't love me. I usually am the one who says, "I love you" and he says the obligatory, "I love you too". And it sucks because even though I can't stand him sometimes, I still am very in love with him. He is still immersed in his past and his ex-girlfriend C. That's why it hurt him so much when I kissed Brett because she did the same thing but with sex and he was feeling how much it hurt him then. I want him to tell me this sort of stuff, but when he told me last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart. If he gave me half a chance and stopped comparing me to others, I think things would be a lot better. I am tempted to compare sometimes, but I think it's easier for me not to because I shove things inside out of habit. I just called a counselor and inquired about her services. Because we cannot go on like this. I wish A could find closure somehow. I can't help but feel that he compares me in bed. He says he doesn't but I do not believe him. What man in their right mind would admit that? The thought makes me sick. All this crap happening makes me one step closer to the "screw it" ledge. If I would have known all this baggage, I would have never married A. Probably ever. Even him calling her by name is enough to make me ill. Life with A is BAD right now.