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December 12, 2001

Dear Baby,

If I could have saved all of the tears I shed over you, they would be enough to fill the sea. My heart aches to love you and my arms ache to hold you. I hold dolls imagining that you'd be that size if you were alive. I know you can't read these because God doesn't let any sadness into heaven, but I know you know I love you. I definitely am sad. I definitely am heart broken. I wish I was at home with you right now. I wish I was allowed to be in the special club that only mothers are in. I wish that when Gerber sent me things I wouldn't be sad. I wish you would have been able to feel me love you. When I think about all the "firsts" you'll never have, I'll never have, that's what saddens me the most. Sometimes I physically hurt for want of you. I love you my precious baby.