NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

July 8, 2001

I love A so much. He is so godly.
Everything in his life revolves around God. He's in the other room singing and playing guitar and it's so amazing the talent God has given him. I guess I could be a good singer if I put myself out there and tried.
I must seem so different than on the previous pages. I know God is real and I know He loves me and created me for a purpose. I'm not a mistake and I'm not a failure. I don't know my gifts yet but God doesn't make mistakes. He is cool.
I talked to several pregnant women today at church and I didn't have any sadness or bitterness. I am very happy for each one. What a blessing! I would not mind having a kid right now. What if I'm not emotionally whole? Can I still have a kid? I have mixed feelings. On one hand I would love to be a mom, but on the other hand I'm scared about a lot of things. It doesn't really matter because I'm not a mom yet.
A told his mom not to write those notes any more nicely and I guess it turned out good because they ended lovingly. Yay because I do love her a lot. She is so generous and loving. There is not one thing she wouldn't do for her family.
I was just thinking. I don't think the problem is with my marriage. I think it's with me and my relationship with the Lord.

[note from present-day Sarah. I am sickened to read that last paragraph. Isn't abuse just like that? It makes you think that YOU are the one with the problem and everything is YOUR fault. Ugh. I knew that I thought that way but I never realized I had it written down.]

July 7, 2001

A's mom left a note in our kitchen reminding me of what household things needed to be done.
I feel so useless as a wife. Nothing I do is wifely. So she has to write these stupid little notes. I feel so inadequate. So A's standing here talking to me and I'm not really listening. I was just telling him how he's good at all of this stuff and I'm not. So now he's telling me about how he's been set free and I'm in bondage.
Right now I feel like giving up. I have no hope. He says I'm soo negative. It's very true. I guess I'm not ready for marriage. Too late now, huh? This is so overwhelming. I wish he'd stop talking because all of this feels like bricks on my chest.
How many times have I been at the alter and given this crap to God? A million. Nothing has happened.
He's saying I don't forgive myself. If I make a mistake I give up. So true. I hate failing, yet that is my whole life. I am 20 years old, married, no college, no job, nothing going for me. I hate this. I don't like dealing with this stuff. I don't even know how to deal with anything. I want to be so talented like everyone else in my family. I am not good at anything.
I'm so tired. I don't like talking. I am hearing all these things that I know and I don't feel like it's doing me any good.
It's so late. Why can't I just have one tiny problem instead of 50 million huge ones? This is so crazy because I always thought I was okay. But obviously I'm very screwed up. I wish I was normal. But what is normal? There's so much more I could write, the weight on my heart is huge but sleep is more important to me right now.