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April 13, 2001

[these pages are tear-stained]

I woke up this morning and started crying. This happened so suddenly. I felt my underwear because I wanted it to all be a nightmare. It wasn't. I still had my hospital underwear and pad on. So. Life will go on, I know, but I'm scared I won't get pregnant again and I'm sad I can't celebrate Mother's Day and I'm sad I won't be having a baby around November 6th. I'm sad this happened to me. 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so I was the one chosen because there are like 8 other girls at church pregnant. I am the unlucky one.
I had a feeling the whole time. Just a small feeling, but one all the same. We are the ones who lost. Everyone else gets their perfect life and perfect baby and their dream world and I get...A MISCARRIAGE? Why? I do not understand it at all. God's ways are definitely not my ways. I would let the 15  year olds miscarry and the married ones have a baby. I am trying to not be angry but it's so hard. Now my future looks bleak. My horizon is dark. I'm so tired.

Crying again. What a horrible thing this is. At least our baby is in heaven so we can see it someday. This was all I've ever wanted and now it's over. I have to remind myself not to pat my belly because it's empty.
People say, "You're young" and stuff like "You're fertile, you can get pregnant again," but they don't understand that I want the baby that was taken from me. I want to be pregnant now.
2 days ago I was pregnant, now I'm not.
Why is it that we were so excited to have this baby and it got taken away but [names omitted] don't even want their baby and they're going to choose for it to die? It makes no sense and seems so unfair.
Am I being punished for not reading my Bible that much? I get to quit my job but it's not that exciting because I won't have a baby inside of me.
The church sent me flowers which was nice. I cannot even imagine why God would allow this to happen. On one hand I say God will make good out of this, but on the other hand I say why couldn't God make good come out of my baby? This was such a wanted and already loved baby. I know life's not fair but this is NOT fair AT ALL.
I don't want someone to sympathize with me or tell me their experiences, I just want this all to not be happening.
No more baby clothes shopping, no more fondly gazing at maternity clothes. No more anything.
I want to try in a couple months but I don't know if we'll get pregnant right away or if I'll miscarry again. What if it takes me years to get pregnant?
We won't have a new family member at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.
I feel so lonely. Even when A was gone before, I wasn't alone because I had a baby growing inside of me. Now it's just me. This is the first person I've known that has died. Even though I never held him/her, it's still a death.
I should've known it was too good to be true. Good things generally don't come easily to me. For a few short months I was a mother.
Now I'm not.
I can never forget this horrible thing.

I try to put it out of my mind, playing video games and listening to Christian rap [??], but then a thought passes through my mind.
Why couldn't I be doing all of this PREGNANT?
I loved being pregnant for that short time.
Today is good Friday. Jesus died today. Rose on Sunday.
I asked God to protect my womb but my baby still died.
WHY?I LOVED that baby. It's safe and much happier in heaven, but I'm selfish and wanted it to be here with me. I miss my baby.
Isn't it weird how attached you can get to someone you never touched? But I guess it's not totally weird because it was a part of me. A is a little sad I think but not really. He's more concerned with me I guess. It's hard not being able to share this with him. Once again, it's just you and me, journal.