tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-73807574906067506012024-02-20T05:21:26.411-08:00Dear Diarytrying to find the reasons behind my smile. old diaries, memories, things that allow me to breathe. journeying back into writing. i am obsessed with photography and art. i am a wife, a mom and a lover of Jesus.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.comBlogger93125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-37629564413547201032002-12-23T18:47:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:49:03.814-08:00December 23, 2002I moved most of my stuff out of the house today. It's...interesting. If I let myself think too much about the future I'll freak out a little. Because thinking about moving out is a bit on the scary side. I wish I knew a little of what was going to happen.
I can't believe it's really over.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-57293032980036926842002-12-22T18:42:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:44:21.574-08:00December 22, 2002Tomorrow I'm moving all of my stuff out.
And just like that he's signing over the MR2 to me.
Just like that he's setting everything nicely for me.
Just. Like. That.
In a way it hurts, but in a way it doesn't.
But I can't believe how easy it is for him.
I can't believe we got married and lived together for 2.5 years and now it's over and we'll never speak to each other again.
Crazy.
When I bought Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-47725455056293948822002-12-20T18:39:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:42:14.533-08:00December 20, 2002A and I are getting a divorce.
He won't leave his church. It's as simple as that.
So I'm moving my stuff out soon and then I'm going to look at divorce proceedings.
I'm excited to be free again. I should just not marry and play the field for a loooong time.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-68378100422415569642002-11-26T18:37:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:39:02.977-08:00November 26, 2002I wish it was over.
Our marriage, I mean. I wish this month was forever. I do not love A. At this second I can not see myself going back to him. I do not want to try and I do not want this anymore. I feel like Sunday when we meet is a forced punishment. I guess it'll be good though.
I want to get my own apartment and live by myself.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-54538845928438591472002-11-24T18:35:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:36:56.993-08:00November 24, 2002I have about a week left.
I guess a week from today (Sunday) we might meet. What is going to happen? I honestly have no clue.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-19957341468283081782002-11-21T18:34:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:35:41.177-08:00November 21, 2002It's getting hard to remember what A looks like in person. Isn't that weird? I've been with him almost 4 years and I'm forgetting him.
I do not want our marriage to end.
I need God's guidance for sure.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-15613159839077090292002-11-11T18:29:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:34:09.090-08:00November 11, 2002I took my wedding ring off. A is buying that scooter with his mommy's $700. I'm not going to be married to some boy. I want a man and a man who cares about his wife. He lives like he's single. I'm not going to be over here pining away for him. So my taking it off was a symbolic F-you, if you will.
Honestly, I do not want a divorce. But as of right now it looks like that is what's Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-82985757548515209992002-11-06T18:28:00.000-08:002012-03-06T18:29:57.091-08:00November 6, 2002I was sad a couple times today but I don't know.I feel as if he doesn't care so why should I?I may try to shut off my emotions.I don't know.I may be stupid.I'm so lost.All I know is without a miracle it's over.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-53087451149207836282002-11-05T18:22:00.008-08:002012-03-06T18:28:41.085-08:00November 5, 2002I am crying.
I was dumb and checked A's email and found that he offered this guy $600 for a scooter.
Where did he get $600 from?
Then I came into the room I'm staying in and Kiki had peed all over my bed.
I lost it.
It just topped everything else I was feeling.
I feel like life is fine without me. He seems fine.
It's only been 5 days. How can I stand another 25??
It's so horrible not talking to Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-82189215304091525122002-11-02T10:50:00.000-08:002011-12-26T10:53:56.798-08:00November 2, 2002Here I am, day 2 of the separation. It's not hard today. It was hard yesterday but today was good.
I hung out with mom all day.
Not much to say yet.
Me & the dogs are enjoying this house. I'll write deeper stuff later.
12:30am
I have to go to sleep because I haven't been getting any, but I thought I'd try to be more real.
I think the reality is that I have no sadness in my heart at this Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-20522120646042639892002-10-31T10:43:00.000-08:002011-12-26T10:49:59.559-08:00October 31, 2002I am moving out tomorrow for 30 days.
A is sick so he's sleeping in the guest room.
My last night here is lonely.
I'm sad sometimes.
I wish it didn't have to come to this. It's so hard. I hope he prays hard.
I don't want to lose him.
Sometimes I think I do, but I really don't.
30 days is such a long time.
I'm sure I'll cry and stuff and be sad all of the time but it has to be done.
His pastor Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-72714752414973221062002-10-28T10:39:00.000-08:002011-12-26T10:42:52.668-08:00October 28, 2002So...I gave him a letter stating everything I require in order to continue on in this marriage. It didn't turn out well I don't think, so most likely I'll be moving out for thirty days. If at the end of thirty days he still says no we will most likely get divorced. He needs to prove to me that our marriage is worth fighting for.
I'm giving him until Friday to reply. Friday morning I might be Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-63439132101651054192002-10-27T16:21:00.000-08:002011-10-31T16:25:34.513-07:00October 27, 2002I had a long talk with my parents today. I might leave A for thirty days. I think it's the only answer. Nothing is changing. I think he needs to lose things to realize what he has.
It's no one else's fault that my marriage is crappy, so why do I expect sensitivity? I shouldn't. But I still feel sad when I hear Lulu and [her fiance] kissing from the other room. Or when I see the deep deep love Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-16951866621290875382002-10-25T16:19:00.000-07:002011-10-31T16:21:51.962-07:00October 25, 2002I'm so sick of everything.
I'm crying for the first time in a while. I hate my marriage. I hate my life. I can't stand anything. I took another pregnancy test that was negative. I wanted it to be positive so I could have some purpose to go on right now.
It seems like everything is falling apart. I began to cry and I felt dead inside. Hollow. Like a puppet. Nothing gives me pleasure any more.
I Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-73095579457603541872002-10-19T16:17:00.000-07:002011-10-31T16:19:40.900-07:00October 19, 2002Guess what? I have wanted a Chihuahua for a long time.
Tuesday the 15th I was going home from practice and I called A. He said a chihuahua was at our house! So I went home and a cute one was there. She appeared on our doorstep and A called the number on her collar and they didn't know of a dog. So she's ours! Her name was Chancla which meant "old shoe" in Spanish, so we renamed her to Kiki. Yay!Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-14646528012896254822002-10-09T16:15:00.000-07:002011-10-31T16:17:03.852-07:00October 9, 2002I am so fed up. Grrr.
I don't know why but things really piss me off lately, things about A, and he laughs in my face. And when he gets mad it's serious. I trip out. Gosh dangit. He makes me feel so mad. Pissed. I really cannot stand him most of the time.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-37291626287595969782002-10-07T16:12:00.000-07:002011-10-31T16:15:08.270-07:00October 7, 2002My period didn't really come so we were wondering if I could possibly be pregnant. So I took a test just now and it said negative. Who knows what's going on in my body. I'll probably take the other test in the morning just in case. I'm glad in a way but sort of not glad in another way. I don't "feel" pregnant though, so that was a sign right there. Oh well. In a couple years I guess.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-57538842485774986822002-07-01T20:15:00.000-07:002011-10-19T20:20:59.448-07:00July 1, 2002I am so mad. A missed four days of work. That's so much money. He brought $140 cash with him. And he OWES HIS FRIEND OVER A HUNDRED DOLLARS. Our rent is due today. We have $540 in the bank. Our insurance is due the 11th. I need to buy my brother a wedding present. We also owe his dad $400 next week. He says, "Trust in God". I don't believe that God would have A miss work and spend money we don't Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-68361013751514285652002-06-29T20:13:00.000-07:002011-10-19T20:15:38.776-07:00June 29, 2002A has been in New York since Wednesday (today is Saturday). His church paid for him to go. They're at this thing called The Call which is a nationwide day of prayer and fasting and concerts and preaching.
I do not miss him at all. He comes home tomorrow. I missed him when he first left, but not anymore. It's so nice to have him gone.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-15410674929929700692002-06-20T20:10:00.000-07:002011-10-19T20:13:34.302-07:00June 20, 2002Well I called him this morning. We talked about his job and cars. It was pretty uneventful. It was really nice to hear his voice. He said to call him sometime. So maybe sometime I will. Who knows?
A is trying to be so nice but I don't care right now. He should have tried being nice from the start. And he always does this. Nice for a few days, mean for a lot. I cannot stand it. I told him Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-86861816989502776512002-06-18T19:32:00.000-07:002011-10-19T20:10:30.039-07:00June 18, 2002I went to San Diego for 3 days last week. I wrote about it online so I'll print it and paste it in here some time.
Lulu and I just watched a chick flick called "Kate & Leopold". The guy on there was so polite and so romantic. Movies like that always make me wistful. Speaking of wistful, BJ used to live near the BofA building and every time I pass it I get sad.
Today we passed by my Aunt/Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-38610116314137970122002-06-06T19:19:00.000-07:002011-10-19T19:23:29.426-07:00June 6, 2002Wow, I haven't written for soo long. I couldn't find this anywhere. But it was in the cedar chest all along.
Since April, hmm, I don't think much has happened. We went to San Diego the week after our anniversary, that was fun. We went to Tijuana and Old Town. It was great. Oh! And we went surfing in La Jolla. That was sooo fun.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-71471676874688579212002-05-08T19:23:00.000-07:002011-10-19T19:31:26.214-07:00May 8, 2002I am a room operator online in a miscarriage chat room and the owner asked me to write my testimony. So, I have been thinking about it and I don't know where to start or finish.
Hey! I started talking to P again! All of the sudden one day he IM'd me and so now we talk! I am so happy because I love him so much as a friend.
I wish I could go dancing more. I love to dance. I may not be good at it Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-31647414947615363302002-04-10T19:15:00.000-07:002011-10-19T19:20:52.192-07:00April 10, 2002Our anniversary was good. Just in case I forget, our 1st anniversary was in San Diego and we went to dinner. This anniversary we hung out and went to dinner and rented a movie.
We sold the sport bike [motorcycle] for $4900 so we're going to pay off the bike loan. We're also going to sell the Jetta :( and pay it off and sell the VW Bus and pay the Jetta off. We're going to get totally out of debt.Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7380757490606750601.post-33657493426523548052002-03-29T19:08:00.000-08:002011-10-19T19:15:06.958-07:00March 29, 2002This sounds sick and sad and twisted but I'm really missing BJ right now. We were at the Goldcoast and it's Rockabilly weekend. He was into that. If we were together he totally would have wanted to dress all 50's and go hang out.
I told A he should change his whole "style" and he said no. (I use "style" because you can't call what A wears style. It's more of a whatever I throw on I'll wear.)
So Sarahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13970159862468440400noreply@blogger.com0