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June 19, 2000

So, for a few days it was all good, really good between A and I, then last night, well I didn't eat all day so I was feeling sick and cranky and all of this stuff came up that I had to do. I was kind of getting freaked out cause it was 12:30am! So A told me there were no obligations with doing it and I thought he was telling the truth so I was going to go to sleep. And he got pissed and when he said no obligations, he was lying. So then he was lecturing really loud and he said the f-word and it made me kind of scared and sick so I put the blanket over my head and said, "don't talk to me," and he started pushing me saying, "Get out." or something and I'm all, "Don't physically touch me" and he said, "I know I'm really mad" and he was over me looking down and he kept telling me to get out and I thought he was going to beat me so I did. I slept in the guest room. I at least expected him to come after me and say sorry, but no. I cried myself to sleep. I hardly slept at all last night. He didn't have to work today so it's no biggie to be up so late. He is such a jerk and I am so mad at him. Paper can't quite capture the emotions that were going on. I am incredibly exhausted. I have to work until 5:00. Maybe I can get off early. My "marriage" (if you can call it that) is rapidly going downhill. He felt bad this morning I think. I hope so. I hope he feels horrible. I can't stand him right now. I'm pissed. Okay, work time.

June 12, 2000

Well things calmed down and so now it's...well, not exactly okay, but I guess it's better. I can't forget it yet. I have a bruise on my leg. I don't think this is one of those things you can push under the rug, you know? ABUSE is a big thing. Even though it wasn't meant to be abuse it was big time violence and loss of control. I don't know what the future will hold but I must start trusting in God more.

June 11, 2000

Well guess what. A kicked me very hard on the leg. He was angry and meant to kick the book off my lap but kicked my leg and made a mark. What a bastard. I don't know what's going to happen now.
I don't even know what to do. I am crying right now. He's staring out a window because he doesn't know what to do either. I must not make it easy for him. He is so angry so easily. I am too young for this. This is not supposed to happen to me. I never thought (when I was younger) that my marriage would fail. That it wouldn't be happy and fun and stuff. Now this. I just don't understand. This must be a turning point. Things can get better or they can get worse. No going back to the way they were. A stupid bullshit marriage. What a joke our vows were. What a joke my dreams were. What a frickin joke. What a waste of life this past year and 4 months have been. I should've steered clear and focused on other things. I don't even know what I'm feeling really. I shouted and screamed and threw stuff and cried and it's like any second I could trip out. I'm all jumbled up. He feels really bad. I said, "I don't deserve this." and he said, "I know." or something. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to marry him so bad. Look kids, Dad kicked me before. What a baby he is. Little temper tantrums. Waah you make me mad so I'll kick you. Waah. What a knight-in-shining-armor husband. Ha. Yeah right.
I don't mean to tear him down, but I'm pissed and hurt and confused. This is all too much for me. And all I can do is sit and wait. I'll keep you updated.

June 5, 2000

frame of mind: in a terrible marriage (married 4/7/00) with my ex-husband A. I was 19.

At the Park- 5:16pm
I came here to get away from A. Screw my idea of not writing anything bad here. If I can't write my true feelings here and I have no one to talk to, I will explode. We just freaking bailed on my uncle's birthday. His birthday. I am so sad because they were so disappointed. Our marriage is horrible. I am so sad we got married. It has its good times but the bad definitely out-weighs the good. Like 90% bad. I don't think we've gone 1 whole entire day without something bad happening. We fight a lot. I try to pretend everything is good and we're happy but it's not and we're not. At all. I think marriage is something we both regret. It's not that we don't love each other, we just do not get along. It kills me. I feel like it's my fault and I'm not a good enough wife. I don't have time to do all these wifely things. The only time I even attempted to cook, A fed it to the dog. Every time we fight I think I'm pretty quick to forgive and forget. But he says things that cut deep and the words build up and I explode. Like a little bit ago. My throat still hurts from yelling. Not words, just "aaaaa" kinda. I feel like throwing things when I get mad and I feel like saying, "Okay. I'll move out tomorrow." I am seriously now considering moving into the guest room. The less we see of each other, the better. Now, like I said, it doesn't all suck. Just most of it. I bet no one's marriage is as awful as ours. And I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. Not one single person in the whole world. How lonely is that? So I guess I take up journaling again. Now that I can be real and open on these pages. I don't ever want to show this journal to another living soul. I am feeling physically sick. I wanted to be gone for 1 hour, but I think I'll just go home and lock myself in a room somewhere. See ya later. :(