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May 22, 2001

I have such a longing to see BJ. To talk to him and see if he's okay. I don't know. I hope I can soon. He's so nice and so loving. He is lost and needs Jesus. I hope I can see him in heaven. Gosh, why am I thinking about BJ? It's not in a "oooh I want you" way, it's just a nostalgic "aw how sad" way. I guess I was mean, I don't know. I am always mean to boys though. I used to be, that is. Now I get hardly any male contact which is good, it keeps me out of trouble. Gosh I'm so tired.
You know what I just realized? I'm afraid I'll never be love like that again. That if A loses me he'll never grieve for years. Because he does not have the same devotion to me that BJ did. He doesn't love me as much. But there's one difference, he gets to have sex with me. I'm awful, huh? Lord, give me strength to stay here with A.
You know what? Nevermind. I am being so awful and dreamy about the past.
I just want to let him know it was hard for me to break up with him. That he meant something to me.