NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

July 8, 2001

I love A so much. He is so godly.
Everything in his life revolves around God. He's in the other room singing and playing guitar and it's so amazing the talent God has given him. I guess I could be a good singer if I put myself out there and tried.
I must seem so different than on the previous pages. I know God is real and I know He loves me and created me for a purpose. I'm not a mistake and I'm not a failure. I don't know my gifts yet but God doesn't make mistakes. He is cool.
I talked to several pregnant women today at church and I didn't have any sadness or bitterness. I am very happy for each one. What a blessing! I would not mind having a kid right now. What if I'm not emotionally whole? Can I still have a kid? I have mixed feelings. On one hand I would love to be a mom, but on the other hand I'm scared about a lot of things. It doesn't really matter because I'm not a mom yet.
A told his mom not to write those notes any more nicely and I guess it turned out good because they ended lovingly. Yay because I do love her a lot. She is so generous and loving. There is not one thing she wouldn't do for her family.
I was just thinking. I don't think the problem is with my marriage. I think it's with me and my relationship with the Lord.

[note from present-day Sarah. I am sickened to read that last paragraph. Isn't abuse just like that? It makes you think that YOU are the one with the problem and everything is YOUR fault. Ugh. I knew that I thought that way but I never realized I had it written down.]