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January 30, 2002

Once again fighting about the church. If it wasn't for that our marriage would be okay. I believe God is moving but I don't know if it has to involve this church. I don't understand.

January 23, 2002

A keeps going to that church.
I'm am just so confused about it. It seems so wrong to me. On the surface things seem good and godly...but I don't know.

January 16, 2002

I have lost track of the days.
A started going to a church [a cult, actually] that I do not agree with. So that's causing a lot of crap in me.
But other than that things are good.
I used to totally love [his friend] but [his friend] is involved in that church so I'm a bit wary. I can't be as nice to him as I used to be.
He's going tomorrow night again. Dang it. It's so hard for me to swallow for some reason. I feel highly similar to how I felt when [A's creepy friend who lived with us for a while and was mean to me and my nephews and had an anger problem] lived here. Hmm.
It's now 1-something AM and I'm in a separate bedroom. Everything A is doing is so fake to me and I can't stand being in the same room as him. So.
He doesn't understand me. When I was writing earlier he was on the phone with [his friend]. They talked and laughed and spoke of spiritual things.
This was at 12:30AM and I kinda hoped A and I would have some alone time, but no. Talking on the phone was more of a priority. So I was sort of upset and I told him that. I told him I was jealous and not to use it against me.
So he, being Mr. Calm now, got off the phone 10-15 minutes later and then asked me if I wanted to talk. I told him I was really upset so no. But then I decided to and I told him in my thinking, the husband and wife should be closest spiritually. He said it's hard, blah blah, and I said yes but you should spend time trying to achieve that with me and not your "brothers" [what he called everyone at his church- he would literally spend every free minute "fellowshipping" with these people.]. So it went on for a time and I got so flipping frustrated. That's why I'm in the guest room. I do not want to be near him.
See, I do but I don't. I told him I hate the him that is. I was talking and he said, "Look at your fruit; anger, jealousy, fits of rage." and told me to look at myself.
It is so much for me to handle. I told him how I don't sleep much and my days aren't good and how it's hard on me emotionally. I said, "I hope you're done soon and you can go back to whatever," in reply to him saying, "I don't think you realize how much I'm going this for us."
In the course of our conversation I told him he sounded brainwashed or hypnotized. Since I began writing this, twice he tried to get me to come back.
"Sarah, come to bed."
"I'm already in bed."
"Well, the door's open when you're done in there."
"I'm not going to be done in here so you should close the door."

"Sarah! Sarah! Come to bed!"
"I'm in bed."
"This sucks."
"Because you're leaving me in here alone."
"You seem to not enjoy spending time with me, so it's okay."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is, look at your 'fruit'."

So I am going to go to sleep.
Oh, I also told him I feel trapped and the thought of being married to "this" for the rest of my life scares me.

January 10, 2002

I have so much turmoil inside of me. It's making me feel sick.

January 4, 2002

I am so tired of all of this.
I have tried the past few days to be positive and A is so negative. When I tried to tell him, he got mad. Can't I tell the truth?
I want to cry, but that's only because it's so close to my period. I am just going to spend time away from him.
I read this Christian romance booked called :Bamboo & Lace" by Lori Wick. The main character in it was raised in Lhasa which is a place where women can't even look men in the eye. The girl moves to Hawaii and she is so godly and humble and pure. After spending 400-something pages with her I grew to love her and I long to be more like that. So I have been praying more and stuff. I can already feel God more. I know He wants me to be all I can be through Him.
So setbacks like this fight with A are semi-discouraging but also understandable. Whenever you're on the right path Satan will try to deflect you.