NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

January 12, 2001

You know what? Forget him [BJ]. You know who makes me feel beautiful, important, safe and loved more than A probably ever will? My dad. He knows my faults and still loves me. He doesn't yell unnecessarily.
When/if we have a daughter I hope A will love her like that. I can't see him ever really loving me. I don't know if he wants to.
But man...I am not sure what to do anymore. Okay. Here is my last attempt for the night to work things out. If it doesn't happen I'm going to sleep.

January 11, 2001

I was thinking about the pros and cons of someone [BJ].
- made me feel beautiful
- I was most important
- felt safe
- tried to make me happy
- was innocently romantic

- druggie dad
- doesn't love Jesus
- not musical

I know the thing that takes the cake is not loving Jesus. But even though I'm content at this moment I can't help but wonder...bad I know.
I'd never do anything to jeopardize my marriage. I wonder though what I could've done to make things better. Either with him or A. Maybe I'm just being dramatic.

January 4, 2001

Well, I thought I was pregnant, I was 2 days late, but I started today. :( During this week I was doing a lot of dreaming and I would love to have a baby right now. I'm young and married, a perfect combo.
I was kind sad when the test told me no because I had gotten myself so excited over the prospect of my child growing in me. I never really seriously thought about pregnancy until [my friend] got pregnant. When someone you know goes through something it becomes more real, more of a possibility. A wants me to think of financial aspects and what a baby would to do our lives, etc. He doesn't want us to jump into this like we did marriage. Which is good I guess. God has been blessing us with peace and enjoying each other's company.