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July 7, 2001

A's mom left a note in our kitchen reminding me of what household things needed to be done.
I feel so useless as a wife. Nothing I do is wifely. So she has to write these stupid little notes. I feel so inadequate. So A's standing here talking to me and I'm not really listening. I was just telling him how he's good at all of this stuff and I'm not. So now he's telling me about how he's been set free and I'm in bondage.
Right now I feel like giving up. I have no hope. He says I'm soo negative. It's very true. I guess I'm not ready for marriage. Too late now, huh? This is so overwhelming. I wish he'd stop talking because all of this feels like bricks on my chest.
How many times have I been at the alter and given this crap to God? A million. Nothing has happened.
He's saying I don't forgive myself. If I make a mistake I give up. So true. I hate failing, yet that is my whole life. I am 20 years old, married, no college, no job, nothing going for me. I hate this. I don't like dealing with this stuff. I don't even know how to deal with anything. I want to be so talented like everyone else in my family. I am not good at anything.
I'm so tired. I don't like talking. I am hearing all these things that I know and I don't feel like it's doing me any good.
It's so late. Why can't I just have one tiny problem instead of 50 million huge ones? This is so crazy because I always thought I was okay. But obviously I'm very screwed up. I wish I was normal. But what is normal? There's so much more I could write, the weight on my heart is huge but sleep is more important to me right now.