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May 13, 2001

Mother's Day

We only stayed long enough at church to sing on the worship team then we went to my parent's house and BBQ'd and stuff.
I cried right before I left church. All the time I was pregnant I eagerly anticipated Mother's Day. It was to be a milestone. My first day to officially celebrate motherhood. But instead I was only mourning a death.
I'm at a park right now waiting for A to finish playing tennis.
The sun is just about down so they turned the lights on. The weather is perfect. It's between 75 and 80. I love this and I can imagine Hawaii. It is SO beautiful there. I miss it. Isn't it silly for me to miss somewhere I spent 5 days in? Silly or not I do! I long for it even.
This weekend we're going camping. Although we're getting away and that's great, it's not where I want to go. I want to go somewhere tropical. I must go back to Oahu some day.
I am so ugly to be around lately. It's just that everything fell apart and I don't exactly know how I should act or what I should be doing.
I keep thinking our baby was a girl. Maybe I should name her Chloe. I know this might sound lame, but I kind don't want to name it because I might want to use that name in the future.

A said he's almost done for the night. I wish he would resolve in his head to only play [tennis] recreationally and let go of his pro dream. Then maybe he can look for a job that pays well and we can get a house. I only have 1 week and 2 days left of work! Okay he's not done. I'm going to go sleep in the car.
It's now 8:13pm and he's going to play more. He told me to be back at 8. This is so how I wanted to spend my night.

I really don't see how this is ever going to last. I mostly cannot stand him. And it's me I know but everything he does either irritates me or makes me mad. Now he's grocery shopping. I want to leave and walk home but I'm scared of being kidnapped or something. I feel so claustrophobic in this marriage sometimes. I'm so tired. He thinks so low of me. He doesn't say that but I know it. Because I'm not adventurous or whatever he thinks he is. I think I have stopped trying to impress him. I'm going to go in the stupid store and find him.