NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

August 31, 2001

I am sort of depressed. I feel so blah. I'm almost 21, uneducated, married and working at a retail store. Okay, what is my purpose? So I'm sort of sad. And A is in a dumb mood where everything I say seems to irritate him. He doesn't want to work it out unless I initiate it. I won't. Well, actually I probably will because almost every single time I do.
I'm so glad I see [counselor] this weekend. I feel wistful for something unknown. Happiness and a strong purpose for me being here.

August 29, 2001

I bought a pin today that is an angel with the November birthstone because that was when my baby was due.
I felt dumb after I bought it because I don't know why I did.
It didn't make me feel better or anything.

August 18, 2001

A told me to get a career. He seems to think wanting to be a mother isn't very important. He's all, "What if it doesn't happen for a couple years?" That is so awful to even ponder. No kids for a couple of years? Getting a career seems like the kiss of death. It's so final sounding and so binding.
Career = a long time
A long time = no kids
No kids = horrible
I want a baby so bad. I would give up everything to have a baby. He does not understand. At all. Why didn't we thoroughly discuss this before we got married? I wouldn't have married him. I'm so sick of all this heartache. Each time my wound is starting to make a step toward healing, it is ripped open again by angry & careless words.
I cannot stand him sometimes.

Well we talked or whatever and let me tell you the things which are bothering me.
1. I thought I'm good with kids so I need to be a mom
2. I'm not really good at anything else

August 11, 2001

[some of these entries are from the journal my counselor at the time told me to keep. She'd make me answer certain questions, this being one of them.]

Why can't I be transparent?
Because I don't like people to know my problems. I like being "happy". If everyone knows your problems then you can't be happy. Because you then have to think about your problems and you can't focus on the plastic things in life. Like weather and music and just plain fun.
I really hate to dwell on my problems. Really. I like to think about them and be sad, but then push them out of my mind. Up until my miscarriage it was working rather well for me.
I don't know anyone who is normal enough to help me (besides my counselor, which is why I'm going to her). All of the people I'm around have so many problems they focus on and I don't think that I need to be giving them mine.
I help them.
If I ever found anyone who could help me, that'd be great, but I don't know who it could be.

I don't like to let people see me cry, except when it involved God, because I guess I feel dramatic. Like when my grandpa was sick, I didn't care who saw me cry. But I won't be like, "Ahhh my miscarriage was four months ago" with tears running down my face. It's just not me.

Pregnant Women
As far as bad feelings toward other pregnant women go, yes. I realize that sometimes I do feel not nice things toward them. Like during praise & worship and I see them praising God with all their hearts. I think, "Yeah, it's easy for you to do that, you have a baby." Almost immediately the other part of me is like, "Oh, but they tried to get pregnant for so long, Sarah." Then I back off. But that is my usual reaction.
And [a woman at church]. She's so flipping happy I can't stand to be around her mostly. It grinds on my nerves. I don't feel friendly to her anymore. She is borderline obnoxious to me.
All of this would change if I was pregnant, but hey, I'm not, so whatever.

So...that's the truth in a nutshell.
I just wonder what people think. Do they realize it's hard for me to pal around with the preggos? Or to see ultrasounds? Or to hear about the baby kicking? And then there's [another woman at church] who acts like it's not the happiest time in her life, which I know it is. But maybe she's just doing that for my benefit. Who knows? All I know is that I sound like a bitter old woman. Dang it.

August 10, 2001

Well, [one of 9 pregnant girls at church] had her baby.
I can't shake this hold of sadness in my heart. I want so bad to be a mom. I want to gaze into my child's eyes. I want to go to the park and play, I want to plan birthday parties. I want to breastfeed. I want cuddle.
I don't know how this is going to be. So many more births to go through. But not my child's. Mine was born into heaven. I really think that was my one change to get pregnant.
Now A is always careful. Like clockwork my period comes. I wish it would have been [name omitted]. I wish her baby that she killed would be in my belly and mine that died would have died in her. Is that mean?
I am genuinely happy for [girl who had a baby]. I'm just wistful that I'm not the one who just had a baby.
A and I can't talk. It's been strained all day. I don't know what to say. So I don't say much. Except to snap at him. I don't know why.

August 1, 2001

On our way home I asked A if he loved me. He said yes and asked why and I said it's hard for me to really believe that and even with friends it's hard to think wow they really want to be my friend. And he was talking about faith and I said it had nothing to do with it and I know God loves me.
He tries to fix things and preach all at the same time. So we both got upset and now I feel like screaming or hitting things. I don't know why it turned into this. It shouldn't have. It's f-ing ridiculous. Anger management in this house is non-existent. I am so tired and so PMSey and so stressed out. He can make me soo happy and soooo pissed. He acts like he is 12 a lot then he switches to being a sour old man. It's so lame. I'm sure I do that too but it's so annoying to me.
Why can't we have a family that is fun and happy? Maybe once every other month we fight, that's it. Ha! Maybe like once every other second we fight. It's a good thing I love to write or this would all be inside of me still. And then I'd explode.
I cussed.
I said the F word 4 times.
I hate that that happens when I'm so over the edge. I feel so dirty and so stupid. Like I fell into Satan's trap again.
Now he's in the same room as me in the same bed. I bet anything he'll say something in a few moments. So what? He got his time to be pissed. I do too. I'm telling you. Married life is not all it's cracked up to be.