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April 19, 2001

Hello. I am so much better, praise God!
I just had a twinge of sadness passing the baby's bassinet, but it's gone.
I am 20. I did want that baby but God took him/her home sooner than I would have liked. And that's okay because heaven is better anyway.
But I am really praying I don't have to go through this ever again.
3 more weeks until we can have sex. 7 weeks until we can start trying again.
Lord, please let me get pregnant this June or July so we could have a baby by April 2002.
If we have a daughter ever, I was thinking of Chloe Belle or Chloe Annabelle. Cute, huh? Belle means beautiful. God's beautiful child!
Please, Lord. But it's Your will that needs to be done, not mine. I love you and thank you for this happening because I know it'll teach me something. And some good will come out of it. I know that next time I get pregnant I will cherish it even more. I'll try not to complain about anything.

April 15, 2001

I'm sitting on the bathroom floor. I've been crying.
Church was okay, but tonight about 45 minutes ago I began to think of how this is was my first child. What if it was a girl? The only girl I'll have? What if I miscarry a lot?
I don't think A understands that I had to have our child's body scraped out of me.
Everything I did was for the baby; the activities I did, the food I ate.
Tonight I ate salad and I was sad because the reason I began eating salad was the baby. But now, there's nothing to nourish.
I am so incredibly sad. I didn't know I could hurt so much. I never imagined all of this pain and confusion and loneliness. I am so alone.
Poor A. Before I came in here to the bathroom, I was on our bed crying and he didn't know what to do or say so he was just tickling my back. It was sweet but unfulfilling. 
I have yet to talk to someone who understands this. I joined a Christian miscarriage support group online so maybe that'll be good.
Why is that so difficult? God, please let this be the only miscarriage I have.
I really want to have a baby. I want my baby who is in heaven right now. I was thinking earlier and I know that the best place for my baby is in heaven, but I would've made it good down here.
I still keep hoping it's a dream. But it's not. It's a living nightmare.
A just made me some tea.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to the Christian book store to find books about dealing with this and then I'll go to the library to see if I can check them out so I don't have to spend money.
If my baby somehow has access to read this, I hope it knows how much I love it.
All I ever wanted was a child.

April 14, 2001

It  hurts really bad to pee.
Lulu hung out with me all day and night. [name omitted] came over too. It was good to laugh.
I am justified in feeling so sad because I lost a child. Not a pregnancy, a child.
I don't know how to grieve. Journaling is good, but I don't know if it will help. I know, only God can help, but I am not yet to the point of giving it to Him. I don't know why, I'm just not.
Day by day it will get better.

April 13, 2001

[these pages are tear-stained]

I woke up this morning and started crying. This happened so suddenly. I felt my underwear because I wanted it to all be a nightmare. It wasn't. I still had my hospital underwear and pad on. So. Life will go on, I know, but I'm scared I won't get pregnant again and I'm sad I can't celebrate Mother's Day and I'm sad I won't be having a baby around November 6th. I'm sad this happened to me. 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so I was the one chosen because there are like 8 other girls at church pregnant. I am the unlucky one.
I had a feeling the whole time. Just a small feeling, but one all the same. We are the ones who lost. Everyone else gets their perfect life and perfect baby and their dream world and I get...A MISCARRIAGE? Why? I do not understand it at all. God's ways are definitely not my ways. I would let the 15  year olds miscarry and the married ones have a baby. I am trying to not be angry but it's so hard. Now my future looks bleak. My horizon is dark. I'm so tired.

Crying again. What a horrible thing this is. At least our baby is in heaven so we can see it someday. This was all I've ever wanted and now it's over. I have to remind myself not to pat my belly because it's empty.
People say, "You're young" and stuff like "You're fertile, you can get pregnant again," but they don't understand that I want the baby that was taken from me. I want to be pregnant now.
2 days ago I was pregnant, now I'm not.
Why is it that we were so excited to have this baby and it got taken away but [names omitted] don't even want their baby and they're going to choose for it to die? It makes no sense and seems so unfair.
Am I being punished for not reading my Bible that much? I get to quit my job but it's not that exciting because I won't have a baby inside of me.
The church sent me flowers which was nice. I cannot even imagine why God would allow this to happen. On one hand I say God will make good out of this, but on the other hand I say why couldn't God make good come out of my baby? This was such a wanted and already loved baby. I know life's not fair but this is NOT fair AT ALL.
I don't want someone to sympathize with me or tell me their experiences, I just want this all to not be happening.
No more baby clothes shopping, no more fondly gazing at maternity clothes. No more anything.
I want to try in a couple months but I don't know if we'll get pregnant right away or if I'll miscarry again. What if it takes me years to get pregnant?
We won't have a new family member at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.
I feel so lonely. Even when A was gone before, I wasn't alone because I had a baby growing inside of me. Now it's just me. This is the first person I've known that has died. Even though I never held him/her, it's still a death.
I should've known it was too good to be true. Good things generally don't come easily to me. For a few short months I was a mother.
Now I'm not.
I can never forget this horrible thing.

I try to put it out of my mind, playing video games and listening to Christian rap [??], but then a thought passes through my mind.
Why couldn't I be doing all of this PREGNANT?
I loved being pregnant for that short time.
Today is good Friday. Jesus died today. Rose on Sunday.
I asked God to protect my womb but my baby still died.
WHY?I LOVED that baby. It's safe and much happier in heaven, but I'm selfish and wanted it to be here with me. I miss my baby.
Isn't it weird how attached you can get to someone you never touched? But I guess it's not totally weird because it was a part of me. A is a little sad I think but not really. He's more concerned with me I guess. It's hard not being able to share this with him. Once again, it's just you and me, journal.

April 12, 2001 (part II)

I went to the doctor and at first she said my cervix is still closed, a good sign. Then I had an ultrasound and we found that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing 2 weeks ago. By that time I was in immense pain. I had the option to let the tissue pass naturally which would cause more pain, or get a D&C that would suck out all the tissue and I wouldn't have any more pain. I opted for that because I was so miserable. It was scheduled for 5, but I was doubled up on the floor in pain so the doctor told me to go straight there. So we did and they let me into a bed right away and gave me an IV and took blood and everything. Then after tons of pain they gave me Demerol. It worked. My parents and bro came down and of course A was by my side the whole time and several other people came by.
They put me to sleep somehow and I was in the recovery room and I thought it hadn't been done yet. But it was. So. No more baby. I am terribly saddened by this, but I haven't really let it show yet. I've been light and surfacey. I do not understand why so many unmarried girls in our church and in the world have healthy, unwanted babies and we, a married couple, had to have a miscarriage. God has it in His hands but it doesn't make sense. I was 10 weeks pregnant. Man.
My dreams were shattered today.

April 12, 2001

Well, I was going to say I'm still hopeful because the bleeding wasn't bad, but I've had constant back cramps and more blood. But I have a teeny amount of hope because the cramps aren't in my abdomen, just back ones. In the toilet right now where I'm sitting is a clot. There was one earlier the same size. I'm not crying because I'm still hopeful. but I've been awake since 6-something because of my cramps.
This is horrible.
I'd like to take a bath to relieve the pain but I'd bleed too much. I took the day off work so I can go to the doctor. My poor baby. I don't want pitying stares and similar stories. I want this baby. I want to have this baby that's in my womb (was in my womb?). How sad this is. And yet, I had a feeling it would happen. Why? I don't know. I do know that if in fact my baby is dead, God will make good come out of it. I hope this is something else though. This is God's child and whatever He sees fit will happen. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.
--a few seconds later--
Okay now I'm crying. There are too many clots and bright red

[entry was unfinished]

April 11, 2001

I'm in bed now. Why? Because we were at Bible study tonight and I went to the bathroom and there was blood on my underwear. We left right away and went to my parent's house and my mom gave me a pad and then we called my aunt because she has miscarried before and she gave advice and a nurse who is our friend called. My dad came home and they anointed my tummy with oil and my parents and A and I prayed for the baby. I'll write more tomorrow.