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November 8, 2001

I told A I want to be his roommate. He doesn't touch me or have sex with me. I L O A T H E him and he is such trash to me right now. He is so lame. I just spent an hour fighting with him. He is so flipping self-centered and he is not making any moves to change.
It pisses me off to the point of saying, "I'm out! I'm done!" Screw you and this 3 year waste of time. I regret the day I met you. All that is going for him is his looks. But once you see the inside, his looks are repulsive. Sometimes he's nice but 97% of the time he's not.
I say it like every 2 days, but if I would have known, I'd have stayed single.

November 7, 2001

So this morning I was sleeping and I think A said, "Sorry for last night." or something. I didn't say anything because, #1, I was asleep and #2, it's crap to me.
Lulu wrote me the sweetest thing ever. I'll write it in here sometime.

November 6, 2001

Today was the day my baby was due.
I'm semi-drunk right now because I wanted to not think about it at all.
So A got home after I drank 3 Zima's and I thought he wanted sex but he rejected me. Married life is great. Everyone should be married. That is heavy sarcasm, by the way.
So it sucks right now and he's staring at me while I write this. Fuck this. I am so sick of his crap. I wish I was breaking up with a boyfriend instead of dealing with a marriage. And he doesn't even know.
He didn't even say, "Oh, our baby was supposed to be born, I was going to be a dad today," until I brought it up a minute ago. He never would have talked about it. He is a selfish asshole. At least Pierre [my dog] is here.
Actions speak louder than words. That's what I told him. I called him a selfish little ass. Which he is. He is such an asshole. I cannot stand him.
What a sobering experience. My baby was supposed to be born today and it is dead. DEAD.
Everyone around me except Lulu is pregnant or has kids.
A is glad I think because a kid would be such a cramp in his style. Such a selfish boy. I hope I don't give my kids everything like his mom did. I would never want to raise such an asshole. I told him he's more concerned with the freaking people at the [tennis] courts than he is with his own wife.
It's so true.
I cried all morning. But did he ever know? Nope. He didn't care enough to ask. He only cares about his day and his pain. Or whatever. It's such a waste of time for me.
This is one battle I'll have to face on my own.
I'm so sad right now. All day except for the morning I pretended it was just another day. Just Tuesday, November 6, 2001, a normal day. Nothing to think about.
But I wanted to be a mother so bad. I don't know if A will ever be ready for a child now. He is so careful and I want him not to be because I want to get pregnant.
I do want to travel and everything but I would joyfully give it all up for a son or daughter.
I hung out with [pregnant friend] last week and she was telling me how she's pregnant, her sister is, and her sister's best friend is. I was crumbling inside. And she wanted me to see all of her baby stuff, which was a bassinet and clothes and diapers and I almost died inside. It hurt so bad.
I am so isolated because everyone I know thinks I should be over it probably. And I don't know how long it'll be until I can have another baby. Even right now, I'm on the floor of our bedroom crying silently. A is such an asshole.