NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

May 28, 2001

Sunday I swam at Lulu's and spent the night. We saw [her ex-boyfriend] and he looks like crap. He still does drugs and parties. :( It's so sad because all he needs is Jesus.
And we talked to P on the phone for a long time. Today we went to [his work] and saw him! He wears a suit and it's really cute! We had not seen him for 1.5 years. Sad, huh? But it was great to see him alive and well.
We drove to A's work to say hi.
We stayed up until 4 and woke up at 9 so I am exhausted!
Lulu told me I'm mean to A. Sad but true. I don't want to be, I didn't mean to be.

May 25, 2001

We are camping!
I did NOT want to go because we fight too much and A guilted me in to going and now it sucks because he is a dickhead.
Oh! I talked to P today!!!! I had been trying to find him and I remembered I had his number at my mom's so I left a message and he called! I miss him. He was one of the coolest people I have ever been friends with. So, hopefully I can see him again soon!
Why does A have to raise his voice every five seconds? It is very dumb.

May 22, 2001

I have such a longing to see BJ. To talk to him and see if he's okay. I don't know. I hope I can soon. He's so nice and so loving. He is lost and needs Jesus. I hope I can see him in heaven. Gosh, why am I thinking about BJ? It's not in a "oooh I want you" way, it's just a nostalgic "aw how sad" way. I guess I was mean, I don't know. I am always mean to boys though. I used to be, that is. Now I get hardly any male contact which is good, it keeps me out of trouble. Gosh I'm so tired.
You know what I just realized? I'm afraid I'll never be love like that again. That if A loses me he'll never grieve for years. Because he does not have the same devotion to me that BJ did. He doesn't love me as much. But there's one difference, he gets to have sex with me. I'm awful, huh? Lord, give me strength to stay here with A.
You know what? Nevermind. I am being so awful and dreamy about the past.
I just want to let him know it was hard for me to break up with him. That he meant something to me.

May 13, 2001

Mother's Day

We only stayed long enough at church to sing on the worship team then we went to my parent's house and BBQ'd and stuff.
I cried right before I left church. All the time I was pregnant I eagerly anticipated Mother's Day. It was to be a milestone. My first day to officially celebrate motherhood. But instead I was only mourning a death.
I'm at a park right now waiting for A to finish playing tennis.
The sun is just about down so they turned the lights on. The weather is perfect. It's between 75 and 80. I love this and I can imagine Hawaii. It is SO beautiful there. I miss it. Isn't it silly for me to miss somewhere I spent 5 days in? Silly or not I do! I long for it even.
This weekend we're going camping. Although we're getting away and that's great, it's not where I want to go. I want to go somewhere tropical. I must go back to Oahu some day.
I am so ugly to be around lately. It's just that everything fell apart and I don't exactly know how I should act or what I should be doing.
I keep thinking our baby was a girl. Maybe I should name her Chloe. I know this might sound lame, but I kind don't want to name it because I might want to use that name in the future.

A said he's almost done for the night. I wish he would resolve in his head to only play [tennis] recreationally and let go of his pro dream. Then maybe he can look for a job that pays well and we can get a house. I only have 1 week and 2 days left of work! Okay he's not done. I'm going to go sleep in the car.
It's now 8:13pm and he's going to play more. He told me to be back at 8. This is so how I wanted to spend my night.

I really don't see how this is ever going to last. I mostly cannot stand him. And it's me I know but everything he does either irritates me or makes me mad. Now he's grocery shopping. I want to leave and walk home but I'm scared of being kidnapped or something. I feel so claustrophobic in this marriage sometimes. I'm so tired. He thinks so low of me. He doesn't say that but I know it. Because I'm not adventurous or whatever he thinks he is. I think I have stopped trying to impress him. I'm going to go in the stupid store and find him.

May 12, 2001

Well it's the one monthiversary of my miscarriage. I got my period. I'm so blah right now. Anything I could be sad about I am.
My little baby. Praising God in heaven. I hope he/she can't see me because I wouldn't want him/her to be sad. There are no tears in heaven.
I don't really want to go to church tomorrow because it's Mother's Day and it was supposed to be my first. And all the other pregnant girls are going to be beaming and rubbing their pregnant bellies. I just don't really want to deal with it.
It is raining right now, perfect for my mood.
I can't believe I thought my pain was gone and done with. The truth is far from it. I am so sad. I don't focus on it because I don't want to be depressed all of the time. But it's times like these when I feel so small and so helpless. Like if I'm not going to be a mom right now, then what is the point of me being here? Why am I where I am? What does God want me to do? I am young and married. Not even happily married. Just married.
A doesn't know I'm crying. I can't express my emotions to anyone because they don't understand.

May 7, 2001

Well. Last night I realized that my pain from miscarrying is not gone. I found out that [name omitted] is pregnant, due about the same time I was. That really bummed me out. I'm so happy for her, but at the same time I guess I'm wistful.
Sunday afternoon I played in the pool with [niece and nephews] and it was SO fun. I just want kids so bad. A says we can try again, but I don't exactly know what that means. I'm too scared to ask.

May 5, 2001

Our hospital bill is $7000-something and the anesthesiologist was $390 and I haven't even received the doctor's bill. Man oh man.