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April 12, 2001 (part II)

I went to the doctor and at first she said my cervix is still closed, a good sign. Then I had an ultrasound and we found that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing 2 weeks ago. By that time I was in immense pain. I had the option to let the tissue pass naturally which would cause more pain, or get a D&C that would suck out all the tissue and I wouldn't have any more pain. I opted for that because I was so miserable. It was scheduled for 5, but I was doubled up on the floor in pain so the doctor told me to go straight there. So we did and they let me into a bed right away and gave me an IV and took blood and everything. Then after tons of pain they gave me Demerol. It worked. My parents and bro came down and of course A was by my side the whole time and several other people came by.
They put me to sleep somehow and I was in the recovery room and I thought it hadn't been done yet. But it was. So. No more baby. I am terribly saddened by this, but I haven't really let it show yet. I've been light and surfacey. I do not understand why so many unmarried girls in our church and in the world have healthy, unwanted babies and we, a married couple, had to have a miscarriage. God has it in His hands but it doesn't make sense. I was 10 weeks pregnant. Man.
My dreams were shattered today.