NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

August 10, 2001

Well, [one of 9 pregnant girls at church] had her baby.
I can't shake this hold of sadness in my heart. I want so bad to be a mom. I want to gaze into my child's eyes. I want to go to the park and play, I want to plan birthday parties. I want to breastfeed. I want cuddle.
I don't know how this is going to be. So many more births to go through. But not my child's. Mine was born into heaven. I really think that was my one change to get pregnant.
Now A is always careful. Like clockwork my period comes. I wish it would have been [name omitted]. I wish her baby that she killed would be in my belly and mine that died would have died in her. Is that mean?
I am genuinely happy for [girl who had a baby]. I'm just wistful that I'm not the one who just had a baby.
A and I can't talk. It's been strained all day. I don't know what to say. So I don't say much. Except to snap at him. I don't know why.