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June 18, 2002

I went to San Diego for 3 days last week. I wrote about it online so I'll print it and paste it in here some time.
Lulu and I just watched a chick flick called "Kate & Leopold". The guy on there was so polite and so romantic. Movies like that always make me wistful. Speaking of wistful, BJ used to live near the BofA building and every time I pass it I get sad.
Today we passed by my Aunt/Uncle/Grandma/Grandpa's old house. When they lived there I was visiting them and it was when I was first with BJ and I know I'm horrible because I'm married, but I can't stop thinking about stuff that happened there. Like how in front of the house we were outside "saying" [kissing] goodbye and how he would open his legs (standing up) so that we were the same height. And I remember so much. It's all good of course.
A few weeks to a month ago I read this book about this girl who met and fell in love with a guy. They were perfect for each other. Then somehow they lose touch because of a misunderstanding. So she goes on to marry someone else and has two kids. She is sort of unhappy in her life. Her and her boss go to New York and see a famous guy. It's him. Her ex-love. So they spend time together and even end up kissing. She's married, so nothing can happen. She goes back home and her husband finds out. Their marriage gets repaired. One day when the husband is 40 or 50-something, he suddenly dies. A year later the old love walks into her life again and I guess they get married.
That story makes me ache. It is so painful to read. And I know last year when I met with [BJ] I was supposed to get over all of this, but I didn't. I always wonder. Always.
I just flipped to last year [in my journal] and it's almost a year to the day. I can't remember what my journal looks like from 1996. I was curious to see if this was around the time when we first met. Okay I found it. This is exactly the week we met in 1996. No wonder. It's like my subconscious is remembering. Dang. I'm crying now. Because almost exactly this day the next year I found out [super personal information]. Almost every single year at this time something happens with him.
I feel so weak right now. What can I do? I've been wanting to call and say hi for weeks. Should I? And what if I did? What would I say? Hi, BJ, I'm supposed to be a good Christian girl and love my husband but I keep thinking about you? Hi BJ I wish that you and I could have had a real chance but now I'm stuck in a bad marriage? Hi BJ. I'm a pathetic old girl who...I don't know. I think I will call him. But maybe from Lulu's phone. Just to see if he's alive. Because this thinking about him every year thing is getting weird. Weird and frustrating. I do entertain those thoughts at times. But...not for long because I'm not "supposed" to.
I feel all nervous though. Why? If I had a wish...I can't even be honest with anyone.
You know why that story makes me ache? Because the best years of her life were spent with the man who was obviously not "the one". Does anyone else see the parallel?
I feel as if I'm going to burst. With emotion. And maybe that'd be better. If I burst. Then I wouldn't be alive anymore. Nothing about my life do I like. So I think I'm going to stop caring. Like if A's looking at another girl, I won't say anything. Or if he talks to girls I won't be like "Who is that?" I'll just let whatever is going to happen happen.
It's almost 1:30am. I am now in the bathroom (I was in the guest room) which means I am going to lay by A soon. I'm so arrogant in thinking that my life will turn out like that story. Because who knows anything?
I'm thinking maybe my unhappiness in my marriage feeds this wistful fire. Because if A was nice, if we got along, if we had fun, I doubt this would happen. But he's not and we don't. It makes me sick to think that anyone would read this but knowing my luck, they will. And it'll all be over.
I am horrible. Because sometimes I wish A would cheat on me so I'd have an excuse.
I can't even think about the rest of my life with A. It's enough to make me want to slit my wrists. Not that I would but you get the idea.
I am horrible and evil, I know.