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November 5, 2002

I am crying.
I was dumb and checked A's email and found that he offered this guy $600 for a scooter.
Where did he get $600 from?
Then I came into the room I'm staying in and Kiki had peed all over my bed.
I lost it.
It just topped everything else I was feeling.
I feel like life is fine without me. He seems fine.
It's only been 5 days. How can I stand another 25??
It's so horrible not talking to him.
I don't really see at this moment what the point is.
I want to be over there.
We haven't kissed or hugged or had sex in so long.
What is happening?
I want things to be different. I want him to miss me. I want God to change both of us this instant so that we can be married again.
I need to feel needed and right now I don't.
No one needs me.
I feel trapped like I started a job and day in day out that's what I'm going to be doing.
And A doesn't need me.
Lulu doesn't need me.
My family doesn't need me.
The only ones who need me are my dogs and I yelled at Kiki.
Where am I going to sleep tonight?? I have no bed.
I hate all of this.
So much.