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July 1, 2002

I am so mad. A missed four days of work. That's so much money. He brought $140 cash with him. And he OWES HIS FRIEND OVER A HUNDRED DOLLARS. Our rent is due today. We have $540 in the bank. Our insurance is due the 11th. I need to buy my brother a wedding present. We also owe his dad $400 next week. He says, "Trust in God". I don't believe that God would have A miss work and spend money we don't have.
I tripped out. I'm so pissed.
And we were fighting about a lot of things and then he put his headphones on and said "No more for 10 minutes."
How convenient. I don't think A is following God. And AV and [my other cousin] are coming to town. That sucks. I can't pretend to love A. I do not love him. I couldn't even write "I love you" in the card I got him.
How lame. I feel so trapped and so alone. I cannot live like this anymore. DAMMIT. How long have I been saying that? I guess I've always been hopeful. I don't know if I can hope any more. I wish he never came home.
I wish it was over.
God, please rescue me.