NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

February 2, 2002

I'm so blue. I feel so ugly, lazy and out of shape. I have no friends. I am so lonely it's unbelievable. I can't remember the last time I hung out with anyone besides A. I live day to day with no purpose. My life is so meaningless. I did just start my period so my hormones are out of whack but I think this is my most real time. It's when I realize that not very many people like me. I have Lulu as a friend but it's not like we hang out much. I guess I'm jealous of A because he goes to that crazy church and has lots of people to hang out with at any given moment.
I'm 21, I never ever go out and I'm married. A keeps telling me I'm trying to control him and I don't know if it's true or not. I don't feel love from him too often and every time that church is mentioned I get upset.
I feel like I'm fading away, out of life. I love A a lot and I guess I get mad because he'd rather hang out with his church friends most of the time. I feel like crying and it's been so long since I've cried. I am unhappy with every aspect of my life except Pierre.
A called me [name omitted] because he says since I have no friends I have to control him. Is that true? I don't even know what's real anymore. And it's times like this that I feel like giving up. I don't want to be married to A anymore, I don't want to live this pathetic life anymore.
I think I should start being fake to A. Pretend that I don't care what he does, that way he'll be happy.
Why don't people like me? Sure they act okay to me at church but when it comes down to inviting people to hang out, I'm not on their list.
One cool thing happened today. I was walking past the bookstore at church and [name omitted] called out, "Sarah" and so I went in there and she's all, "I love you." and she said it twice. So that was very nice.
A is so hard to talk to. He doesn't understand and everything is so cut and dry for him. There's always an easy answer. I am so sad.