December 30, 2000

I don't think anyone has the problems A and I have. I wouldn't wish this pain and loneliness upon anyone. Why can't something good happen to me without the bad creeping in? Why do people want to be married? It only doubles all of your problems. I am so without hope right now. When I look to the future all I can see is more of the same. But worse. I don't want to live like this. Is it me? How could I never have realized what an awful person I am who can't even make a marriage work? I honestly thought God was giving us the go-ahead and smiles to get married. How wrong was I? I can't see God's blessing on our marriage at all. I feel so alone. Why should be bless it He's not at the center. It's 7:45pm and I'm home by myself. A asked me to go to the store with him, but I couldn't. See, he worked all day and was supposed to get off work at 3. But I guess he got off at 4 or later. He called me and I thought he was coming home. He does, at 6:45 or around there and I wasn't mad. I was glad to see him but I said, "What took you so long?" nicely, and he told me he ate at his dad's house. I had been waiting for him to come home so we could eat together so I said, "You ate?" and he YELLED and freaked out and we didn't speak until right before he left.
I hate being married. Especially to someone who doesn't love or respect me AT ALL.

November 21, 2000

Each day is one step closer to leaving his butt. He is such a jerk and most of the time I LOATHE him. All he does is explode on me and he's not able to listen to my side. I am so dumb for doing this. What a fricking jerk. He makes me mad. His technique is to bully me by raising his voice and then say what he wants to say. EVERY SINGLE TIME I open my mouth, he interrupts. HOW CAN I LIVE LIKE THIS EVERY DAY???It is a living hell. 1 benefit of marriage? Um. NOT ONE.
SEX SUCKS, HE SUCKS, EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SITUATION SUCKS.
I'm just like dang I should've waited for ______. I keep hoping one of us will die. It'd make it easier.
Trying to have a conversation or even to fight is like pulling teeth. Sometimes I hate him and my heart is twisted into a knot. I feel like it is a stone in my chest. And I know God is waiting for me but I enjoy this anger right now because I feel it's justifiable. I feel right about this.  Well, maybe not fully right. I locked him out of our room and put his pillow out there too. If he can't respect me enough to listen to me, he doesn't deserve to sleep next to me. I don't want him to die, just me.
I am so in over my head. A is a freaky boy. His emotions are all turned to anger. I am not going to blame it on how he was raised, he is 24, old enough to change. "God will change me." Yeah that's true but not if you're not going to try. This is such a joke of a marriage.
I feel like I'm the only one who is attempting to love each other. Like he's so angry at me all of the time that he can't show me love. He can say I love you and it mostly sounds empty. He is so unromantic. I want to feel cherished and special. I don't. I feel like a mistake, like a hassle, like second best. It's awful. And it's sad because I always end up blaming me. If he was not how he is, I wouldn't be how I get. We can be joking around and he'll turn serious and like .5 seconds away from getting mad. It does not make any sense to me. I'm going to have a beer.

November 8, 2000

I feel like A doesn't love me. I usually am the one who says, "I love you" and he says the obligatory, "I love you too". And it sucks because even though I can't stand him sometimes, I still am very in love with him. He is still immersed in his past and his ex-girlfriend C. That's why it hurt him so much when I kissed Brett because she did the same thing but with sex and he was feeling how much it hurt him then. I want him to tell me this sort of stuff, but when he told me last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart. If he gave me half a chance and stopped comparing me to others, I think things would be a lot better. I am tempted to compare sometimes, but I think it's easier for me not to because I shove things inside out of habit. I just called a counselor and inquired about her services. Because we cannot go on like this. I wish A could find closure somehow. I can't help but feel that he compares me in bed. He says he doesn't but I do not believe him. What man in their right mind would admit that? The thought makes me sick. All this crap happening makes me one step closer to the "screw it" ledge. If I would have known all this baggage, I would have never married A. Probably ever. Even him calling her by name is enough to make me ill. Life with A is BAD right now.

October 15, 2000

Tonight, on my way home, a song came on the radio that I used to think of Brett with, when I used to like him. And it saddened me so very much. I am not sure exactly why either. It was subtle. I don't even know what I'm to do. It is so hard. So hard to pretend. That is what I'm doing. I'm pretending not to care to make A happy. But I don't know how much longer I can act like it doesn't hurt that we're not friends anymore. I am so melancholy right now. Which sucks because it's almost my birthday. I'm just disappointed with life right now. Not with God, just how things are at this moment. My life is going nowhere. I am almost 20 and we make not much money and we don't know what God has in store for us. I know what I want it to be but it doesn't matter.

August 26, 2000

I seriously don't know how much more I can take of A's temper tantrums. I know I'm in the wrong a lot, but he trips out and it sucks. If I wasn't a Christian, I would bring home annulment papers or whatever. Divorce papers. That's how sick of him I am. I hate making mistakes and this is a lifelong one. We don't even attempt to work it out. God, you are my only hope. Please help our awful marriage.
Today is my mom's birthday.

July 25, 2000

C wrote me a postcard about the Quads [ed note: the Quads are the Quadruplets, aka BRETT] and it made me dream about them and think about them. I wish I could go back in time and erase what I did. Or write Brett a letter. Here is what I'd say.

Dear Brett,
Hey how are you? It must be weird hearing from me after all this time. I am just writing to tell you something.
I am deeply sorry for leading you on last year. It was wrong of me to kiss you when my feelings didn't match. Then I left with no explanation or anything. I am truly sorry if that has hurt you at all. That was never my intent.
I love you as a friend, like the friends we've always been. I hope you can forgive me for my childishness. I miss your friendship.
Love,
Sarah T.

But if I even brought the subject up, I'm afraid that A would be mad. I don't want him to think I'm thinking anything other than friendship. That's all the Quads are to me is friends. Life-long friends. Lord, if it is your will for this situation to be made right, please provide a way. Please prepare the hearts that need to be prepared. I love you. Thank you for YOUR forgiveness. If I never see them again, I know I'll see them in heaven.

June 19, 2000

So, for a few days it was all good, really good between A and I, then last night, well I didn't eat all day so I was feeling sick and cranky and all of this stuff came up that I had to do. I was kind of getting freaked out cause it was 12:30am! So A told me there were no obligations with doing it and I thought he was telling the truth so I was going to go to sleep. And he got pissed and when he said no obligations, he was lying. So then he was lecturing really loud and he said the f-word and it made me kind of scared and sick so I put the blanket over my head and said, "don't talk to me," and he started pushing me saying, "Get out." or something and I'm all, "Don't physically touch me" and he said, "I know I'm really mad" and he was over me looking down and he kept telling me to get out and I thought he was going to beat me so I did. I slept in the guest room. I at least expected him to come after me and say sorry, but no. I cried myself to sleep. I hardly slept at all last night. He didn't have to work today so it's no biggie to be up so late. He is such a jerk and I am so mad at him. Paper can't quite capture the emotions that were going on. I am incredibly exhausted. I have to work until 5:00. Maybe I can get off early. My "marriage" (if you can call it that) is rapidly going downhill. He felt bad this morning I think. I hope so. I hope he feels horrible. I can't stand him right now. I'm pissed. Okay, work time.

June 12, 2000

Well things calmed down and so now it's...well, not exactly okay, but I guess it's better. I can't forget it yet. I have a bruise on my leg. I don't think this is one of those things you can push under the rug, you know? ABUSE is a big thing. Even though it wasn't meant to be abuse it was big time violence and loss of control. I don't know what the future will hold but I must start trusting in God more.

June 11, 2000

Well guess what. A kicked me very hard on the leg. He was angry and meant to kick the book off my lap but kicked my leg and made a mark. What a bastard. I don't know what's going to happen now.
I don't even know what to do. I am crying right now. He's staring out a window because he doesn't know what to do either. I must not make it easy for him. He is so angry so easily. I am too young for this. This is not supposed to happen to me. I never thought (when I was younger) that my marriage would fail. That it wouldn't be happy and fun and stuff. Now this. I just don't understand. This must be a turning point. Things can get better or they can get worse. No going back to the way they were. A stupid bullshit marriage. What a joke our vows were. What a joke my dreams were. What a frickin joke. What a waste of life this past year and 4 months have been. I should've steered clear and focused on other things. I don't even know what I'm feeling really. I shouted and screamed and threw stuff and cried and it's like any second I could trip out. I'm all jumbled up. He feels really bad. I said, "I don't deserve this." and he said, "I know." or something. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to marry him so bad. Look kids, Dad kicked me before. What a baby he is. Little temper tantrums. Waah you make me mad so I'll kick you. Waah. What a knight-in-shining-armor husband. Ha. Yeah right.
I don't mean to tear him down, but I'm pissed and hurt and confused. This is all too much for me. And all I can do is sit and wait. I'll keep you updated.

June 5, 2000

frame of mind: in a terrible marriage (married 4/7/00) with my ex-husband A. I was 19.

At the Park- 5:16pm
I came here to get away from A. Screw my idea of not writing anything bad here. If I can't write my true feelings here and I have no one to talk to, I will explode. We just freaking bailed on my uncle's birthday. His birthday. I am so sad because they were so disappointed. Our marriage is horrible. I am so sad we got married. It has its good times but the bad definitely out-weighs the good. Like 90% bad. I don't think we've gone 1 whole entire day without something bad happening. We fight a lot. I try to pretend everything is good and we're happy but it's not and we're not. At all. I think marriage is something we both regret. It's not that we don't love each other, we just do not get along. It kills me. I feel like it's my fault and I'm not a good enough wife. I don't have time to do all these wifely things. The only time I even attempted to cook, A fed it to the dog. Every time we fight I think I'm pretty quick to forgive and forget. But he says things that cut deep and the words build up and I explode. Like a little bit ago. My throat still hurts from yelling. Not words, just "aaaaa" kinda. I feel like throwing things when I get mad and I feel like saying, "Okay. I'll move out tomorrow." I am seriously now considering moving into the guest room. The less we see of each other, the better. Now, like I said, it doesn't all suck. Just most of it. I bet no one's marriage is as awful as ours. And I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. Not one single person in the whole world. How lonely is that? So I guess I take up journaling again. Now that I can be real and open on these pages. I don't ever want to show this journal to another living soul. I am feeling physically sick. I wanted to be gone for 1 hour, but I think I'll just go home and lock myself in a room somewhere. See ya later. :(