NOTE: If you're new here, read the ABOUT page, start at the bottom of the archive and work your way up. Words in brackets [ ] are from me to provide more info.

December 30, 2000

I don't think anyone has the problems A and I have. I wouldn't wish this pain and loneliness upon anyone. Why can't something good happen to me without the bad creeping in? Why do people want to be married? It only doubles all of your problems. I am so without hope right now. When I look to the future all I can see is more of the same. But worse. I don't want to live like this. Is it me? How could I never have realized what an awful person I am who can't even make a marriage work? I honestly thought God was giving us the go-ahead and smiles to get married. How wrong was I? I can't see God's blessing on our marriage at all. I feel so alone. Why should be bless it He's not at the center. It's 7:45pm and I'm home by myself. A asked me to go to the store with him, but I couldn't. See, he worked all day and was supposed to get off work at 3. But I guess he got off at 4 or later. He called me and I thought he was coming home. He does, at 6:45 or around there and I wasn't mad. I was glad to see him but I said, "What took you so long?" nicely, and he told me he ate at his dad's house. I had been waiting for him to come home so we could eat together so I said, "You ate?" and he YELLED and freaked out and we didn't speak until right before he left.
I hate being married. Especially to someone who doesn't love or respect me AT ALL.