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June 5, 2000

frame of mind: in a terrible marriage (married 4/7/00) with my ex-husband A. I was 19.

At the Park- 5:16pm
I came here to get away from A. Screw my idea of not writing anything bad here. If I can't write my true feelings here and I have no one to talk to, I will explode. We just freaking bailed on my uncle's birthday. His birthday. I am so sad because they were so disappointed. Our marriage is horrible. I am so sad we got married. It has its good times but the bad definitely out-weighs the good. Like 90% bad. I don't think we've gone 1 whole entire day without something bad happening. We fight a lot. I try to pretend everything is good and we're happy but it's not and we're not. At all. I think marriage is something we both regret. It's not that we don't love each other, we just do not get along. It kills me. I feel like it's my fault and I'm not a good enough wife. I don't have time to do all these wifely things. The only time I even attempted to cook, A fed it to the dog. Every time we fight I think I'm pretty quick to forgive and forget. But he says things that cut deep and the words build up and I explode. Like a little bit ago. My throat still hurts from yelling. Not words, just "aaaaa" kinda. I feel like throwing things when I get mad and I feel like saying, "Okay. I'll move out tomorrow." I am seriously now considering moving into the guest room. The less we see of each other, the better. Now, like I said, it doesn't all suck. Just most of it. I bet no one's marriage is as awful as ours. And I HAVE NO ONE TO TALK TO. Not one single person in the whole world. How lonely is that? So I guess I take up journaling again. Now that I can be real and open on these pages. I don't ever want to show this journal to another living soul. I am feeling physically sick. I wanted to be gone for 1 hour, but I think I'll just go home and lock myself in a room somewhere. See ya later. :(