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June 11, 2000

Well guess what. A kicked me very hard on the leg. He was angry and meant to kick the book off my lap but kicked my leg and made a mark. What a bastard. I don't know what's going to happen now.
I don't even know what to do. I am crying right now. He's staring out a window because he doesn't know what to do either. I must not make it easy for him. He is so angry so easily. I am too young for this. This is not supposed to happen to me. I never thought (when I was younger) that my marriage would fail. That it wouldn't be happy and fun and stuff. Now this. I just don't understand. This must be a turning point. Things can get better or they can get worse. No going back to the way they were. A stupid bullshit marriage. What a joke our vows were. What a joke my dreams were. What a frickin joke. What a waste of life this past year and 4 months have been. I should've steered clear and focused on other things. I don't even know what I'm feeling really. I shouted and screamed and threw stuff and cried and it's like any second I could trip out. I'm all jumbled up. He feels really bad. I said, "I don't deserve this." and he said, "I know." or something. Maybe it's my fault for wanting to marry him so bad. Look kids, Dad kicked me before. What a baby he is. Little temper tantrums. Waah you make me mad so I'll kick you. Waah. What a knight-in-shining-armor husband. Ha. Yeah right.
I don't mean to tear him down, but I'm pissed and hurt and confused. This is all too much for me. And all I can do is sit and wait. I'll keep you updated.