November 8, 2000

I feel like A doesn't love me. I usually am the one who says, "I love you" and he says the obligatory, "I love you too". And it sucks because even though I can't stand him sometimes, I still am very in love with him. He is still immersed in his past and his ex-girlfriend C. That's why it hurt him so much when I kissed Brett because she did the same thing but with sex and he was feeling how much it hurt him then. I want him to tell me this sort of stuff, but when he told me last night, I went to bed with a heavy heart. If he gave me half a chance and stopped comparing me to others, I think things would be a lot better. I am tempted to compare sometimes, but I think it's easier for me not to because I shove things inside out of habit. I just called a counselor and inquired about her services. Because we cannot go on like this. I wish A could find closure somehow. I can't help but feel that he compares me in bed. He says he doesn't but I do not believe him. What man in their right mind would admit that? The thought makes me sick. All this crap happening makes me one step closer to the "screw it" ledge. If I would have known all this baggage, I would have never married A. Probably ever. Even him calling her by name is enough to make me ill. Life with A is BAD right now.