Dear Baby,
If I could have saved all of the tears I shed over you, they would be enough to fill the sea. My heart aches to love you and my arms ache to hold you. I hold dolls imagining that you'd be that size if you were alive. I know you can't read these because God doesn't let any sadness into heaven, but I know you know I love you. I definitely am sad. I definitely am heart broken. I wish I was at home with you right now. I wish I was allowed to be in the special club that only mothers are in. I wish that when Gerber sent me things I wouldn't be sad. I wish you would have been able to feel me love you. When I think about all the "firsts" you'll never have, I'll never have, that's what saddens me the most. Sometimes I physically hurt for want of you. I love you my precious baby.
Love,
Mommy
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label miscarriage. Show all posts
December 2, 2001
It's almost Christmas. I was looking at a baby boy outfit the other day at work and I held it as if I was holding a baby and it made me pretty sad. Every time I get near my time of the month I hold my breath in case I'm pregnant. But that is silly because we do not have insurance.
My whole being wants a child. My empty womb aches for a new life to grow within its safe walls.
I am tired a lot and I pretend it's because I'm pregnant, ignoring the fact that I don't get much sleep.
A and I are getting counseling together a week from today.
I wish I was buying a beautiful Christmas outfit for my child instead of mourning a death. I wish I was worrying about stretch marks instead of having a flat stomach. I wish I was cooking for my family instead of for A & I.
I'm at work so I can't cry. But if I was at home, I would.
I think I'll write a letter to my little baby.
Dear Baby,
Thanksgiving was lonely without you. I never thought I would hurt for you so much. I think about you and what you could have looked like and I get sad. I wanted to see your beautiful eyes twinkle with laughter.
I love you, baby. Say hi to Jesus for me.
Love,
Mommy
My whole being wants a child. My empty womb aches for a new life to grow within its safe walls.
I am tired a lot and I pretend it's because I'm pregnant, ignoring the fact that I don't get much sleep.
A and I are getting counseling together a week from today.
I wish I was buying a beautiful Christmas outfit for my child instead of mourning a death. I wish I was worrying about stretch marks instead of having a flat stomach. I wish I was cooking for my family instead of for A & I.
I'm at work so I can't cry. But if I was at home, I would.
I think I'll write a letter to my little baby.
Dear Baby,
Thanksgiving was lonely without you. I never thought I would hurt for you so much. I think about you and what you could have looked like and I get sad. I wanted to see your beautiful eyes twinkle with laughter.
I love you, baby. Say hi to Jesus for me.
Love,
Mommy
May 13, 2001
Mother's Day
We only stayed long enough at church to sing on the worship team then we went to my parent's house and BBQ'd and stuff.
I cried right before I left church. All the time I was pregnant I eagerly anticipated Mother's Day. It was to be a milestone. My first day to officially celebrate motherhood. But instead I was only mourning a death.
I'm at a park right now waiting for A to finish playing tennis.
The sun is just about down so they turned the lights on. The weather is perfect. It's between 75 and 80. I love this and I can imagine Hawaii. It is SO beautiful there. I miss it. Isn't it silly for me to miss somewhere I spent 5 days in? Silly or not I do! I long for it even.
This weekend we're going camping. Although we're getting away and that's great, it's not where I want to go. I want to go somewhere tropical. I must go back to Oahu some day.
I am so ugly to be around lately. It's just that everything fell apart and I don't exactly know how I should act or what I should be doing.
I keep thinking our baby was a girl. Maybe I should name her Chloe. I know this might sound lame, but I kind don't want to name it because I might want to use that name in the future.
A said he's almost done for the night. I wish he would resolve in his head to only play [tennis] recreationally and let go of his pro dream. Then maybe he can look for a job that pays well and we can get a house. I only have 1 week and 2 days left of work! Okay he's not done. I'm going to go sleep in the car.
It's now 8:13pm and he's going to play more. He told me to be back at 8. This is so how I wanted to spend my night.
Consideration.
9:57pm
I really don't see how this is ever going to last. I mostly cannot stand him. And it's me I know but everything he does either irritates me or makes me mad. Now he's grocery shopping. I want to leave and walk home but I'm scared of being kidnapped or something. I feel so claustrophobic in this marriage sometimes. I'm so tired. He thinks so low of me. He doesn't say that but I know it. Because I'm not adventurous or whatever he thinks he is. I think I have stopped trying to impress him. I'm going to go in the stupid store and find him.
We only stayed long enough at church to sing on the worship team then we went to my parent's house and BBQ'd and stuff.
I cried right before I left church. All the time I was pregnant I eagerly anticipated Mother's Day. It was to be a milestone. My first day to officially celebrate motherhood. But instead I was only mourning a death.
I'm at a park right now waiting for A to finish playing tennis.
The sun is just about down so they turned the lights on. The weather is perfect. It's between 75 and 80. I love this and I can imagine Hawaii. It is SO beautiful there. I miss it. Isn't it silly for me to miss somewhere I spent 5 days in? Silly or not I do! I long for it even.
This weekend we're going camping. Although we're getting away and that's great, it's not where I want to go. I want to go somewhere tropical. I must go back to Oahu some day.
I am so ugly to be around lately. It's just that everything fell apart and I don't exactly know how I should act or what I should be doing.
I keep thinking our baby was a girl. Maybe I should name her Chloe. I know this might sound lame, but I kind don't want to name it because I might want to use that name in the future.
A said he's almost done for the night. I wish he would resolve in his head to only play [tennis] recreationally and let go of his pro dream. Then maybe he can look for a job that pays well and we can get a house. I only have 1 week and 2 days left of work! Okay he's not done. I'm going to go sleep in the car.
It's now 8:13pm and he's going to play more. He told me to be back at 8. This is so how I wanted to spend my night.
Consideration.
9:57pm
I really don't see how this is ever going to last. I mostly cannot stand him. And it's me I know but everything he does either irritates me or makes me mad. Now he's grocery shopping. I want to leave and walk home but I'm scared of being kidnapped or something. I feel so claustrophobic in this marriage sometimes. I'm so tired. He thinks so low of me. He doesn't say that but I know it. Because I'm not adventurous or whatever he thinks he is. I think I have stopped trying to impress him. I'm going to go in the stupid store and find him.
May 12, 2001
Well it's the one monthiversary of my miscarriage. I got my period. I'm so blah right now. Anything I could be sad about I am.
My little baby. Praising God in heaven. I hope he/she can't see me because I wouldn't want him/her to be sad. There are no tears in heaven.
I don't really want to go to church tomorrow because it's Mother's Day and it was supposed to be my first. And all the other pregnant girls are going to be beaming and rubbing their pregnant bellies. I just don't really want to deal with it.
It is raining right now, perfect for my mood.
I can't believe I thought my pain was gone and done with. The truth is far from it. I am so sad. I don't focus on it because I don't want to be depressed all of the time. But it's times like these when I feel so small and so helpless. Like if I'm not going to be a mom right now, then what is the point of me being here? Why am I where I am? What does God want me to do? I am young and married. Not even happily married. Just married.
A doesn't know I'm crying. I can't express my emotions to anyone because they don't understand.
My little baby. Praising God in heaven. I hope he/she can't see me because I wouldn't want him/her to be sad. There are no tears in heaven.
I don't really want to go to church tomorrow because it's Mother's Day and it was supposed to be my first. And all the other pregnant girls are going to be beaming and rubbing their pregnant bellies. I just don't really want to deal with it.
It is raining right now, perfect for my mood.
I can't believe I thought my pain was gone and done with. The truth is far from it. I am so sad. I don't focus on it because I don't want to be depressed all of the time. But it's times like these when I feel so small and so helpless. Like if I'm not going to be a mom right now, then what is the point of me being here? Why am I where I am? What does God want me to do? I am young and married. Not even happily married. Just married.
A doesn't know I'm crying. I can't express my emotions to anyone because they don't understand.
May 7, 2001
Well. Last night I realized that my pain from miscarrying is not gone. I found out that [name omitted] is pregnant, due about the same time I was. That really bummed me out. I'm so happy for her, but at the same time I guess I'm wistful.
Sunday afternoon I played in the pool with [niece and nephews] and it was SO fun. I just want kids so bad. A says we can try again, but I don't exactly know what that means. I'm too scared to ask.
Sunday afternoon I played in the pool with [niece and nephews] and it was SO fun. I just want kids so bad. A says we can try again, but I don't exactly know what that means. I'm too scared to ask.
May 5, 2001
Our hospital bill is $7000-something and the anesthesiologist was $390 and I haven't even received the doctor's bill. Man oh man.
April 19, 2001
Hello. I am so much better, praise God!
I just had a twinge of sadness passing the baby's bassinet, but it's gone.
I am 20. I did want that baby but God took him/her home sooner than I would have liked. And that's okay because heaven is better anyway.
But I am really praying I don't have to go through this ever again.
3 more weeks until we can have sex. 7 weeks until we can start trying again.
Lord, please let me get pregnant this June or July so we could have a baby by April 2002.
If we have a daughter ever, I was thinking of Chloe Belle or Chloe Annabelle. Cute, huh? Belle means beautiful. God's beautiful child!
Please, Lord. But it's Your will that needs to be done, not mine. I love you and thank you for this happening because I know it'll teach me something. And some good will come out of it. I know that next time I get pregnant I will cherish it even more. I'll try not to complain about anything.
I just had a twinge of sadness passing the baby's bassinet, but it's gone.
I am 20. I did want that baby but God took him/her home sooner than I would have liked. And that's okay because heaven is better anyway.
But I am really praying I don't have to go through this ever again.
3 more weeks until we can have sex. 7 weeks until we can start trying again.
Lord, please let me get pregnant this June or July so we could have a baby by April 2002.
If we have a daughter ever, I was thinking of Chloe Belle or Chloe Annabelle. Cute, huh? Belle means beautiful. God's beautiful child!
Please, Lord. But it's Your will that needs to be done, not mine. I love you and thank you for this happening because I know it'll teach me something. And some good will come out of it. I know that next time I get pregnant I will cherish it even more. I'll try not to complain about anything.
April 15, 2001
I'm sitting on the bathroom floor. I've been crying.
Church was okay, but tonight about 45 minutes ago I began to think of how thisis was my first child. What if it was a girl? The only girl I'll have? What if I miscarry a lot?
I don't think A understands that I had to have our child's body scraped out of me.
Everything I did was for the baby; the activities I did, the food I ate.
Tonight I ate salad and I was sad because the reason I began eating salad was the baby. But now, there's nothing to nourish.
I am so incredibly sad. I didn't know I could hurt so much. I never imagined all of this pain and confusion and loneliness. I am so alone.
Poor A. Before I came in here to the bathroom, I was on our bed crying and he didn't know what to do or say so he was just tickling my back. It was sweet but unfulfilling.
I have yet to talk to someone who understands this. I joined a Christian miscarriage support group online so maybe that'll be good.
I JUST WANT TO BE A MOM
Why is that so difficult? God, please let this be the only miscarriage I have.
I really want to have a baby. I want my baby who is in heaven right now. I was thinking earlier and I know that the best place for my baby is in heaven, but I would've made it good down here.
I still keep hoping it's a dream. But it's not. It's a living nightmare.
A just made me some tea.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to the Christian book store to find books about dealing with this and then I'll go to the library to see if I can check them out so I don't have to spend money.
If my baby somehow has access to read this, I hope it knows how much I love it.
All I ever wanted was a child.
Church was okay, but tonight about 45 minutes ago I began to think of how this
I don't think A understands that I had to have our child's body scraped out of me.
Everything I did was for the baby; the activities I did, the food I ate.
Tonight I ate salad and I was sad because the reason I began eating salad was the baby. But now, there's nothing to nourish.
I am so incredibly sad. I didn't know I could hurt so much. I never imagined all of this pain and confusion and loneliness. I am so alone.
Poor A. Before I came in here to the bathroom, I was on our bed crying and he didn't know what to do or say so he was just tickling my back. It was sweet but unfulfilling.
I have yet to talk to someone who understands this. I joined a Christian miscarriage support group online so maybe that'll be good.
I JUST WANT TO BE A MOM
Why is that so difficult? God, please let this be the only miscarriage I have.
I really want to have a baby. I want my baby who is in heaven right now. I was thinking earlier and I know that the best place for my baby is in heaven, but I would've made it good down here.
I still keep hoping it's a dream. But it's not. It's a living nightmare.
A just made me some tea.
Tomorrow I think I'm going to the Christian book store to find books about dealing with this and then I'll go to the library to see if I can check them out so I don't have to spend money.
If my baby somehow has access to read this, I hope it knows how much I love it.
All I ever wanted was a child.
April 14, 2001
It hurts really bad to pee.
Lulu hung out with me all day and night. [name omitted] came over too. It was good to laugh.
I am justified in feeling so sad because I lost a child. Not a pregnancy, a child.
I don't know how to grieve. Journaling is good, but I don't know if it will help. I know, only God can help, but I am not yet to the point of giving it to Him. I don't know why, I'm just not.
Day by day it will get better.
Lulu hung out with me all day and night. [name omitted] came over too. It was good to laugh.
I am justified in feeling so sad because I lost a child. Not a pregnancy, a child.
I don't know how to grieve. Journaling is good, but I don't know if it will help. I know, only God can help, but I am not yet to the point of giving it to Him. I don't know why, I'm just not.
Day by day it will get better.
April 13, 2001
[these pages are tear-stained]
I woke up this morning and started crying. This happened so suddenly. I felt my underwear because I wanted it to all be a nightmare. It wasn't. I still had my hospital underwear and pad on. So. Life will go on, I know, but I'm scared I won't get pregnant again and I'm sad I can't celebrate Mother's Day and I'm sad I won't be having a baby around November 6th. I'm sad this happened to me. 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so I was the one chosen because there are like 8 other girls at church pregnant. I am the unlucky one.
I had a feeling the whole time. Just a small feeling, but one all the same. We are the ones who lost. Everyone else gets their perfect life and perfect baby and their dream world and I get...A MISCARRIAGE? Why? I do not understand it at all. God's ways are definitely not my ways. I would let the 15 year olds miscarry and the married ones have a baby. I am trying to not be angry but it's so hard. Now my future looks bleak. My horizon is dark. I'm so tired.
5:38pm
Crying again. What a horrible thing this is. At least our baby is in heaven so we can see it someday. This was all I've ever wanted and now it's over. I have to remind myself not to pat my belly because it's empty.
People say, "You're young" and stuff like "You're fertile, you can get pregnant again," but they don't understand that I want the baby that was taken from me. I want to be pregnant now.
2 days ago I was pregnant, now I'm not.
Why is it that we were so excited to have this baby and it got taken away but [names omitted] don't even want their baby and they're going to choose for it to die? It makes no sense and seems so unfair.
Am I being punished for not reading my Bible that much? I get to quit my job but it's not that exciting because I won't have a baby inside of me.
The church sent me flowers which was nice. I cannot even imagine why God would allow this to happen. On one hand I say God will make good out of this, but on the other hand I say why couldn't God make good come out of my baby? This was such a wanted and already loved baby. I know life's not fair but this is NOT fair AT ALL.
I don't want someone to sympathize with me or tell me their experiences, I just want this all to not be happening.
No more baby clothes shopping, no more fondly gazing at maternity clothes. No more anything.
I want to try in a couple months but I don't know if we'll get pregnant right away or if I'll miscarry again. What if it takes me years to get pregnant?
We won't have a new family member at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.
I feel so lonely. Even when A was gone before, I wasn't alone because I had a baby growing inside of me. Now it's just me. This is the first person I've known that has died. Even though I never held him/her, it's still a death.
I should've known it was too good to be true. Good things generally don't come easily to me. For a few short months I was a mother.
Now I'm not.
I can never forget this horrible thing.
8:16pm
I try to put it out of my mind, playing video games and listening to Christian rap [??], but then a thought passes through my mind.
Why couldn't I be doing all of this PREGNANT?
I loved being pregnant for that short time.
Today is good Friday. Jesus died today. Rose on Sunday.
I asked God to protect my womb but my baby still died.
WHY?I LOVED that baby. It's safe and much happier in heaven, but I'm selfish and wanted it to be here with me. I miss my baby.
Isn't it weird how attached you can get to someone you never touched? But I guess it's not totally weird because it was a part of me. A is a little sad I think but not really. He's more concerned with me I guess. It's hard not being able to share this with him. Once again, it's just you and me, journal.
I woke up this morning and started crying. This happened so suddenly. I felt my underwear because I wanted it to all be a nightmare. It wasn't. I still had my hospital underwear and pad on. So. Life will go on, I know, but I'm scared I won't get pregnant again and I'm sad I can't celebrate Mother's Day and I'm sad I won't be having a baby around November 6th. I'm sad this happened to me. 1 out of 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, so I was the one chosen because there are like 8 other girls at church pregnant. I am the unlucky one.
I had a feeling the whole time. Just a small feeling, but one all the same. We are the ones who lost. Everyone else gets their perfect life and perfect baby and their dream world and I get...A MISCARRIAGE? Why? I do not understand it at all. God's ways are definitely not my ways. I would let the 15 year olds miscarry and the married ones have a baby. I am trying to not be angry but it's so hard. Now my future looks bleak. My horizon is dark. I'm so tired.
5:38pm
Crying again. What a horrible thing this is. At least our baby is in heaven so we can see it someday. This was all I've ever wanted and now it's over. I have to remind myself not to pat my belly because it's empty.
People say, "You're young" and stuff like "You're fertile, you can get pregnant again," but they don't understand that I want the baby that was taken from me. I want to be pregnant now.
2 days ago I was pregnant, now I'm not.
Why is it that we were so excited to have this baby and it got taken away but [names omitted] don't even want their baby and they're going to choose for it to die? It makes no sense and seems so unfair.
Am I being punished for not reading my Bible that much? I get to quit my job but it's not that exciting because I won't have a baby inside of me.
The church sent me flowers which was nice. I cannot even imagine why God would allow this to happen. On one hand I say God will make good out of this, but on the other hand I say why couldn't God make good come out of my baby? This was such a wanted and already loved baby. I know life's not fair but this is NOT fair AT ALL.
I don't want someone to sympathize with me or tell me their experiences, I just want this all to not be happening.
No more baby clothes shopping, no more fondly gazing at maternity clothes. No more anything.
I want to try in a couple months but I don't know if we'll get pregnant right away or if I'll miscarry again. What if it takes me years to get pregnant?
We won't have a new family member at Thanksgiving and Christmas this year.
I feel so lonely. Even when A was gone before, I wasn't alone because I had a baby growing inside of me. Now it's just me. This is the first person I've known that has died. Even though I never held him/her, it's still a death.
I should've known it was too good to be true. Good things generally don't come easily to me. For a few short months I was a mother.
Now I'm not.
I can never forget this horrible thing.
8:16pm
I try to put it out of my mind, playing video games and listening to Christian rap [??], but then a thought passes through my mind.
Why couldn't I be doing all of this PREGNANT?
I loved being pregnant for that short time.
Today is good Friday. Jesus died today. Rose on Sunday.
I asked God to protect my womb but my baby still died.
WHY?I LOVED that baby. It's safe and much happier in heaven, but I'm selfish and wanted it to be here with me. I miss my baby.
Isn't it weird how attached you can get to someone you never touched? But I guess it's not totally weird because it was a part of me. A is a little sad I think but not really. He's more concerned with me I guess. It's hard not being able to share this with him. Once again, it's just you and me, journal.
April 12, 2001 (part II)
I went to the doctor and at first she said my cervix is still closed, a good sign. Then I had an ultrasound and we found that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing 2 weeks ago. By that time I was in immense pain. I had the option to let the tissue pass naturally which would cause more pain, or get a D&C that would suck out all the tissue and I wouldn't have any more pain. I opted for that because I was so miserable. It was scheduled for 5, but I was doubled up on the floor in pain so the doctor told me to go straight there. So we did and they let me into a bed right away and gave me an IV and took blood and everything. Then after tons of pain they gave me Demerol. It worked. My parents and bro came down and of course A was by my side the whole time and several other people came by.
They put me to sleep somehow and I was in the recovery room and I thought it hadn't been done yet. But it was. So. No more baby. I am terribly saddened by this, but I haven't really let it show yet. I've been light and surfacey. I do not understand why so many unmarried girls in our church and in the world have healthy, unwanted babies and we, a married couple, had to have a miscarriage. God has it in His hands but it doesn't make sense. I was 10 weeks pregnant. Man.
My dreams were shattered today.
They put me to sleep somehow and I was in the recovery room and I thought it hadn't been done yet. But it was. So. No more baby. I am terribly saddened by this, but I haven't really let it show yet. I've been light and surfacey. I do not understand why so many unmarried girls in our church and in the world have healthy, unwanted babies and we, a married couple, had to have a miscarriage. God has it in His hands but it doesn't make sense. I was 10 weeks pregnant. Man.
My dreams were shattered today.
April 12, 2001
Well, I was going to say I'm still hopeful because the bleeding wasn't bad, but I've had constant back cramps and more blood. But I have a teeny amount of hope because the cramps aren't in my abdomen, just back ones. In the toilet right now where I'm sitting is a clot. There was one earlier the same size. I'm not crying because I'm still hopeful. but I've been awake since 6-something because of my cramps.
This is horrible.
I'd like to take a bath to relieve the pain but I'd bleed too much. I took the day off work so I can go to the doctor. My poor baby. I don't want pitying stares and similar stories. I want this baby. I want to have this baby that's in my womb (was in my womb?). How sad this is. And yet, I had a feeling it would happen. Why? I don't know. I do know that if in fact my baby is dead, God will make good come out of it. I hope this is something else though. This is God's child and whatever He sees fit will happen. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.
--a few seconds later--
Okay now I'm crying. There are too many clots and bright red
[entry was unfinished]
This is horrible.
I'd like to take a bath to relieve the pain but I'd bleed too much. I took the day off work so I can go to the doctor. My poor baby. I don't want pitying stares and similar stories. I want this baby. I want to have this baby that's in my womb (was in my womb?). How sad this is. And yet, I had a feeling it would happen. Why? I don't know. I do know that if in fact my baby is dead, God will make good come out of it. I hope this is something else though. This is God's child and whatever He sees fit will happen. The Lord gives, the Lord takes away.
--a few seconds later--
Okay now I'm crying. There are too many clots and bright red
[entry was unfinished]
April 11, 2001
I'm in bed now. Why? Because we were at Bible study tonight and I went to the bathroom and there was blood on my underwear. We left right away and went to my parent's house and my mom gave me a pad and then we called my aunt because she has miscarried before and she gave advice and a nurse who is our friend called. My dad came home and they anointed my tummy with oil and my parents and A and I prayed for the baby. I'll write more tomorrow.
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